By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20May 20): The U.K. is populated by hordes of "overweight, alco-pop-swilling, sex-and-celebrity-obsessed television addicts," according to the travel book Rough Guide to England. I recommend, therefore, that you avoid traveling to that part of the world if you're a sensitive person susceptible to taking on the attitudes of the people around you. The astrological omens suggest that you should take stringent measures to exorcise your impulses to indulge in excessive consumption of bad food, numbing intoxicants, superficial sex, dumbed-down entertainment, and mindless gossip about famous lightweights. For that matter, you should be ruthless in sealing yourself off from influences that tend to bring out the worst and mediocre parts of you.
GEMINI (May 21June 20): The wife of pro baseball pitcher Kris Benson has made public her desire to experience a wide array of erotic diversity while remaining faithful to her husband. "I would like to have sex with Kris in every major-league stadium in North America," Anna Benson told the press. She's your role model for the coming week, Gemini. Your assignment is to expand the variety and explore the frontiers of your familiar pleasures.
CANCER (June 21July 22): A reader named Amanda Jarosz has offered an alternative to the traditional name for our astrological sign: Canswer, a blend of "can" and "answer." It's not a viable long-term solution, but it would make a lot of sense in the immediate future. Here's why. According to my analysis of the omens, you'll be able to get a useful answer to just about any question, as long as you craft it with thoughtful precision. So, for example, "How can I get more love?" is a sloppy formulation that won't yield fruitful insights, whereas "What long-term plan can I set in motion that will help me earn more of the care and blessings I deserve from doing what I'm good at?" will be a gem.
LEO (July 23Aug. 22): A few weeks ago, eight-year-old Harrison Vonderau was playing golf with his dad on a course in Cleveland when he shot a hole in one. Father and son experienced an even more shocking delight 20 minutes later when the boy scored yet another hole in one. It was an almost unbelievable accomplishment for anyone, let alone a kid. Harrison is your role model for the coming week, Leo. I predict that a young part of youeither your inner child or your inner teenagerwill score an unlikely and spectacular coup, the equivalent of two holes in one.
VIRGO (Aug. 23Sept. 22): Of all the times in your life when you have been in captivity, this has to be one of the least arduous and frustrating ever. I'll go so far as to say that I have rarely seen a more beautiful prisoner than you; for a drudge in bondage, you're ravishing. As hard as it may be to contemplate, however, it's almost time to escape. Your dark though sexy night of the soul will soon come to an end. Don't you dare linger any longer than you have to.
LIBRA (Sept. 23Oct. 22): USA Today did a profile on business guru Doug Hall, who's famous for his unconventional approaches to stimulating creativity. One of his techniques is "left brain, right brain storming." Transcending plain old everyday brainstorming, it's done with a team that blends people who specialize in rational, linear thought (left brain) and those who are skilled at letting their imaginations go a little crazy (right brain). May I suggest you try it out? The coming week is a perfect time to undo your attraction to what has always worked before and start heading in the direction of the unknown future.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23Nov. 21): Physicists at Washington University in St. Louis have found that introducing disorder into certain messy situations may actually spawn order. It happened as they worked with a network of interconnected pendulums that were all waving around chaotically. When they brought random forces to bear on the tumult, the pendulums locked into sync. The physicists' results may not necessarily imply a universal law you should invoke in every circumstance, but they do happen to be applicable to you right now. The more unpredictable, effervescent, and even unruly you areespecially in the face of confusing circumstancesthe better chance you will have of generating elegant success, and maybe even some beauty, truth, and love as well.