NY Mirror

In music, the downtown kids seem to have one thing on the brain—or in the mouth. To wit, RAINBLO's song "East Village Cocksuckers" is a hard-driving ode to metaphorical pipe smokers. CAZWELL's "All Over My Face" is a rap-happy dance tune about, you guessed it, the squirting powers of jizz. And KENNY KENNY's "Stiletto Kickback" is a danceable romp about fetishy footwear, though he tells me, "It's not overtly 'stick it in my pussy.' It's very me, very androgynous. I'm effeminate, but I have a deep voice." (He does? Then I guess he'll never get in a Mel Gibson Bible movie.)

At Happy Valley, I swatted off an admirer three weeks in a row, only to learn he's the guy who was just bumped from Project Runway for being a total cheat. Now I desperately want him back.

But back to the bigotry. In a broadway.com piece, the incorrigible JOHN SIMON rails against "show queens" who he says have bad taste and laugh too hard and stand and cheer too easily (though he graciously concedes that they support the theater and occasionally like something he feels "worthy"). Can't wait for his article on "show blacks" who encourage OPRAH musicals or "show Jews" who start wars at the concession stand.


A member of Lord knows how many minority groups, the Times critic turned NPR reporter ELVIS MITCHELL was recently nominated for "hottest gay journalist in New York" by a blog named Left Behinds. "You know what they say about the length of a man's dreads?" was their teaser for Mitchell (who lost to current Timesman PATRICK HEALY). "But is he even gay?" some voters wondered. I don't know; he never sucked my dick.

In the movies, it's the year of the sad, pathetic gay who's dumped by the boyfriend and ends up feeling so suicidal he wouldn't mind being thrown from a castle—by himself. Poseidon, The Night Listener, and Little Miss Sunshine all have just such characters—but at least some of them eventually rally in a way even little miss CHRISTIE BRINKLEY could learn from.

Of course being "that way" myself means I'm capricious, malicious, wear eye makeup, and can now return to some other irrelevant comments about mouthy Mel: Don't you love how the celebrity showdown on the subject has basically amounted to ROB SCHNEIDER vs. JACKIE MASON? (And you thought they were the same person.) Why on earth are JODIE FOSTER and JOHN TRAVOLTA so vehemently defending a homophobe? When Mel threatened the officer with, "I'll fuck you," was the old truth serum arousing his real feelings once again? Does his lethal weapon have hair plugs too? And don't you think that female sergeant will get over her hurt feelings in time to start hawking her "sugar tits" to Playboy? Sorry, I didn't mean to say any of those things. I just drank another Diet Coke with lemon.


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