By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
But can I climb with my pussy onto my high horse and pause for a rant, please? Too many clubbies are shameless name-droppers who are desperate to grasp at status by claiming they've brushed against celebs and therefore they actually exist. Alas, rather than impress me into some kind of genital salute, this practice tends to make the person seem way more pathetic as I gag, running to the nearest monastery. Besides, it's so easy to top them. At one club, a guy recently ran up to me shrieking, "I've been doing COURTNEY LOVE's hair!" Oh, yeah, well she used to stalk me back when she didn't even have hair. "I was once a personal trainer for JON CRYER," another freak whinnied, handing over his card. Well, it didn't work. And one more woebegone wannabe just screeched to me, "There were cameras in my house when I was seven because my father knew KATO KAELIN!" Well, MICHAEL ALIG once tried to suck my dick. Why don't you do the same? At least it'll hush you up for an hour and a half.
Hey, this should plug you club freaks up for a while: Murmurs say that any month now, the legendary Roxy will be razed and turned into condos. But majordomo Gene DiNino says that's pure horse hooey. Yay! You don't know how much that place means to me! My picture was on the drink tickets! Fuck me! Fuck you!
On an even happier note, I caught an advance screening of Infamousthe other Capote movieand not only did it turn out to be fabulous, but it has way gayer elements than the last Capote movie. That will leave some people breathless with excitement while rival film companies inevitably squeal, "This is an outrage! That never happened!"
Wait, I'll tell you what did happen. On eastvillageradio.com, host Daniel Nardicio asked MICHAEL LUCAS ("the ZSA ZSA GABOR of gay porn") which Queer Eye guys he's done it with. "I don't know," Lucas replied. "I don't watch TV." They cut to a song, during which Lucas whispered to me, "Two of them. I made out with JAI and did it with KYAN, who likes it rough with a little slapping around." But don't tell anyone.
And keep it mum that I enjoyed the Emmys, which reached a gay peak with the South Park bit, the LESLIE JORDAN speech, and the early clips of Aaron Spelling as an actor! The Spelling tribute started shakily with HEATHER LOCKLEAR gushing as JOAN COLLINS flinched and STOCKARD CHANNING looked sick from the audience. But then Charlie's original angels reunited and "reclaimed the brand," coming off amazingly sweet and restoring my faith in guilty pleasures. On a higher plane, HELEN MIRREN won for Elizabeth I and now she's an Oscar front-runner for playing Elizabeth II in The Queen. There's no stopping the bitch. Now where's that usher? I'll go out the way I came in.
On the Emmys, HELEN MIRREN may have been terrified to fall "ass over tit," but The Office's MINDY KALING was not the least bit reluctant to go "tit over the entire TV-viewing world." Few noticed, but when the cast and crew of that show went onstage to collect the Best Comedy Series award, Kaling hugged a cohort, then pulled away, only to have the right part of her dress fall and go boom just like FARRAH used to. The result would not exactly beat JANET JACKSON for Best Wardrobe Malfunction of all Time, but it was still quite tit-illating.