By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
In great voice, I went to the OUTKAST party, anxious to start trouble between the groupwhose Idlewild CD was more idle than wild on the charts this weekand guest DIDDY, whose girl group DANITY KANE beat them to number one as jaws dropped. But the acid reflux thing hit me, so I downed three bento boxes and went ass over tit out the door. Besides, not a damn one of them showed up. (That babysitter thing, no doubt.)
LIAR, LIAR, SURGERY ON FIRE
The next night, all roads led to MTV's Video Music Awardsin my living roomwhere Press Whore was definitely won by LIL' KIM; her lying about that hideous gunfight has now become a cute shtick, with her reinventing the upshot as "They tried to get me, but you can't keep a good bitch down." Or a tacky sow either. Interestingly, JACK BLACK's opening number was a spoof involving things going wrong, like a failed cannon and absentee guests, but then he really messed up when he mistakenly read some of Kim's speech off the prompter before she came out and said it again. (It was weird hearing Jack scream, "Thank you for keeping your lighters up for me for the past year!")
Other than that, the gaffes were cute ( MISSY ELLIOTT, in what looked like a giant Hefty bag, having trouble getting her mini-car to move), and the diva deletions were amusing, like GWEN STEFANI staying home, not because she couldn't get a sitter but reportedly because she lost to KELLY CLARKSON last yearthough Kelly didn't show either. (The bitch won anyway.)
SHAKIRA made me straight and then Panic! at the Disco made me gay again. And JARED LETO, who'd said he's gay then took it back, pranced out in eyeliner and lip gloss, so now we're back at square queero. Meanwhile, I noticed at least five hip-hop closet cases and just as many people who were like, totally shocked, then thanked 40 names by heart! Including God and their managers! I could have lived without the three-minute acceptance speech for Ringtone of the Year, and SARAH SILVERMAN's jokes about PARIS HILTON's weight bombed bigger than anything Iran could come up with because they were lame and besides, Sarah weighs less than Paris. But I loved that a graphic promised the "MICHAEL JACKSON Video Vanguard Award" and then the presentation never mentioned Jacko's name; it was just the Video Vanguard award and safe for mankind!
By the way, Pariswho was there to present and to mix with her fellow musicianshas, I hear, been boasting that she has all the tracks ready for her next album. The problem is Diddy's group (and many other artists) clobbered her ass too, and all bets say there isn't going to bea second album. Sad news, but you can't keep a good bitch down. And at least I spelled her name right.