By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
You got to the "Day to Be Gay in the Catskills" benefit by driving past something ominously called Stonewall Farms and following the signs that simply said "DTBG." You see, in the "hillbilly Hamptons" you apparently can't use the G-word in public. I say KMFACkiss my fat ass, Catskills. Nah, no sweat. Once there, it was nice to be surrounded by the country queens, who are defiantly steroid-free, have boyfriends they take seriously, and will spend an entire day searching for just the right quince pie. I wouldn't want to be around themall the time either, but for a weekend, they're different (that is, until you're back in the city and you realize they are too). The sweet event was filled with muffins, lesbians selling audio novels, and an onstage parade of dogs turning tricks even their owners can't do. It was all very hillbilly homo, and I was amazed that the gays have creatively seized on yet another place (like Miami Beach) where old Jews used to go to die.
Back in my living room, the gayest show on TV turned out to be The View, thanks to ROSIE O'DONNELL, who's a four-cylinder diesel and not turning back at the next truck stop. I had whinily expressed trepidation that Rosie might saunter back into the closet under BABA WAWA's watchful gaze, but I'm thrilled to say I was more wrong than DAVID GEST in thinking he might get herpes from LIZA. (You can't get it from a toilet seat, honey.) On her first episode, Rosie presented herself as a giant, aggressive dyke, talking about KELLI, showing Kelli, kissing Kelli, and even saying she likes BILLIE JEAN KING. While ELLEN DEGENERES retreats to her on-air ambiguityan act greeted with mystifying silence on behalf of the gay communityRosie is more lesbo than HILLARY and proud of it. (I only wish she'd stop regretting her "lesbian haircut." She's demonizing butch. And I loathe all that my-kids-did-this-and-that kind of blather, but I guess the straights do it too, so it's perversely required.) The resultant View seemed so much the Rosie show on the first day that JOY BEHAR was practically in the audience and the young one was virtually in the other room. (Now if we can really get her in the other room.) But the rest of the week, Joy caught fire again and the balance was as back as it could be without a STAR JONES facsimile.
The upshot? The world has changed, kids. Back in Ellen's sitcom days, critics ravaged her for being "preachy" and "unfunny" the second she and her character came out. This time around, scribes didn't even mention Rosie's lesbianism when they were listing all their complaints. Yay, gay!
Meanwhile, JOAN RIVERS is doing that gay View-ish pilot for Bravo, and a spy tells me she was heard to exclaim, "We need a black gay on the paneland they've got to act really black!" Before I get all high-horsey and start sermonizing about stereotypes, let me just suggest someone: AL REYNOLDS!
As for Tommy boywho Rosie's still weirdly creaming forhis baby SURI looks 40, has a full head of extensions, and appears to be half Asian, but otherwise, everything's in order, even if Suri spelled backwards is practically "I, ruse." No, I'm totally kidding. Suri's so cute she makes SHILOH look like APPLE. But that Vanity Fair blowjob and all the accompanying huckstering, aimed at the cynical media who won't take this family to heart, may actually be the mostcynical, sell-your-soul act of the year. It's inspired everyone else to become a vigilante reporter, like the reader who called in to swear Suri does indeed seem to have epicanthic folds, the flaps of skin that overlap the inner corners of the eye in many Asians. So does COLIN POWELL, she enthused. Let's not be Suri-diculous. Discuss.
BANGLES AND BEDPANS
RealAsian divas populate TOMER HEYMANN's Paper Dolls, a moving documentary about a group of Filipino trannies who migrated to the CatskillsI mean Israelwhere they care for the elderly by day and put on fabulous drag shows by night, as we all should. Once you see the film, you'll never forget the sight of the terminally ill octogenarian who can't talk anymore writing notes for his tranny carekeeper, who responds in flamboyantly broken Hebrew. They're the sweetest odd couple since Baba and Rosie.
At the premiere party at the Maritime, the comely Heymann was hugging and kissing another gentlemanearlier, he'd done this same shtick with someone elsebut I broke them up and asked Heymann if this was the result of the Paper Dolls' on-screen suggestion that he get a boyfriend. "No," he said. "I was involved with . . . no, not tonight. E-mail me tomorrow and I'll give you details." He handed me his card, which interestingly has a picture of five young boys in tight shorts, holding onto one another's waists. "These are the men I've bonded with," he said. "It's me and my brothers as kids." I was more intrigued than ever, so I raced home to send him that busybody e-mail. He responded that two of the guys I'd met that night were his exes. "Call me," he added. "It will be great to talk to you about love, sex, and my mother." Or better yet, he can dress in drag and I'll write a note in Hebrew.