Coochie on Lock

I'm saying no until I feel good about saying yes

Choosing to be content on my own, instead of rushing online or to the nearest bar or party to find "the one," has given me space to focus on me. I don't go to the gym to lose weight so that I can impress some stranger (or people like the reader who recently suggested my "baby fat" is the reason I'm single), but because I want to get stronger. I'm also working on things like punctuality, responsibility, being a good friend, and waking up in the morning without berating myself.

None of this means that I have everything figured out. Sometimes I long for hot sex and cuddling, especially when it's only an IM away. That used to be enough for me, but lately, I want more than just the physical. I want someone to curl up next to at night, to share secrets with, to hold hands with at the movies, to be my date at weddings so I don't have to look like a loser. I want someone who I can be myself with, no matter how dorky, needy, or kinky I may be at times. A friend of mine who proposed to his girlfriend last year told me, "When you know, you know." I'm hoping that moment comes for me sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, I'll be enjoying my time off from the drama of dating. After all the mixed signals and bitterness this year has brought me, I'm willing to hold out for something better than guesswork.

I still fantasize about "the guy with the perfect cock" (my former fuck buddy).
photo: Celeste Smith/
I still fantasize about "the guy with the perfect cock" (my former fuck buddy).


Upcoming Event
Rachel hosts In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome Street,
September 20

Please visit

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