By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
But at least he's out. Still evading, CLAY AIKEN is outraged at "rude" questions about his sexuality, though he's all too thrilled to tell you about his brother's suicide, I mean his anxiety attacks and full prescription history, complete with copays. Clay, if you don't like invasive things, why did you do that stuff with JOHN PAULUS? Oh, and while you're cowering there in the closet, can you please get me my drop earrings?
On a lovelier note, PAUL LOMBARDIthe cute, out person with nice teeth who used to be on NY1tells me he'll be doing spots about gay athletes for Logo. I wonder why they didn't call me!
But back to the genitalia, please. At Duvet, after a Canadian band named STINK MITT did a raucous performance, one of the lead singers pulled out her tits by the bar while screaming, "Fat and ugly is the new glam!" MIKE FUREY, the cute one from the "ambisexual" duo DANGEROUS MUSE, looked on in dangerous bemusement, but visibly flinched when she offered a whiff of her privates on her finger. Still, when the fun mess spread-eagled her legs on the sushi bar, as it were, I tried to stir up some trouble and told Furey to dive in. "I don't think so," he said, looking sick. I guess ambisexuality only goes so far.
Things were even gayer at the FringeNYC Encores series, where I caught up with the lively circuit-party dramedy Rainy Days and Mondays and was thrilled to hear a nightclubbing character exult, "We might even get in Michael Musto's column. He's always out!" His boyfriend's reaction? "Is that a new lesion on your chest?"
But the weirdest interaction in theater has to be in Jay Johnson: The Two and Only when the ventriloquist's monkey puppet repeatedly screams at him, "Don't touch my heinie!" Yes, even members of other species are in the closet.
And finally we get to some real pornor at least real people trying to do porny things. A middle-aged "workplace expert" (I'll call him "Pig Man") has been trying to entice a young friend of mine ("Chicken Little") to turn hustler in the most unsavory manner. Last week on the scene, Chicken Little was hanging with friends (including "Skeet," whom Chicken Little is platonically staying with) when he met Pig Man, who could barely keep his tongue in his mouth, especially when he later found out that Chicken Little is well hung. The Pigster promptly launched an e-mail campaign, telling Chicken Little he'll rescue him from his sad sugar daddy (meaning Skeet, who's merely a friend) by wining-dining him and paying him for sex! "It seemed a bit like a control-freak situation," Pig Man wrongly surmised about Chicken Little and Skeet in one e-mail. "You looked like you wanted to escape . . . Have you ever hustled?"
I love this glimpse into sleazebaggin' politics. I adore how Pig Man has to paint someone else as a pig man in order to try and swoop in and be the real creep. Chicken Little isn't even remotely interested in this divide-and-conquer strategy, even though Piggy's offer is currently up to $400 for just an hour of hard labor. Fat and ugly isn't the new glam after all.
Web Extra, from September 25: Sources swear popular drag performer FLOTILLA DEBARGE ("the Empress of Large") is in trouble with the law, and not because she stole some comedy material. It seems there was an eye-gouging fight at APTwhere the door help is notoriously barbaric at timeson Sunday night. (Maybe Flo tangled with STAR JONES, who wasn't happy when the drag queen impersonated her for an anti-fur campaign. Nah, maybe not.) Whatever the case, people are actually murmuring words like "Rikers" and "without bail." I've reached out to Flo via phone message and will offer updates as they develop.
Humiliation of the Week: This ought to deflate any hardons engendered by the previous items: I google my name every 15 seconds or sowho doesn't?and in the process came across a release for some bizarre contest I must have agreed to help judge in a prescription pill haze. The release starts, "Did you know there's a cockatoo that can not only sing 'Jingle Bells,' but mimic Sinatra's 'My Way?' . . . All across America, there are pet birds with truly offbeat and outrageous talents. Now, thanks to the Mag Rack's The Pet Shop with Marc Morrone, America's most outrageous birds are finally getting a forum to celebrate their boldest achievements." The judging panel? EDWARD ASNER, ED BEGLEY JR., DOM DELUISE, TIPPI HEDREN, DAVY JONES, RUE MCCLANAHAN, ALLY SHEEDY, JOAN VAN ARK, JO ANNE WORLEY, and yours truly. They're all tons of fun, but judging animal talents? I'm gearing up to throw bird droppings at my agentor would do so if I had one.