By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
I'm friends with Bebe Buell (mom of LIV TYLER) and for years have heard her say that her ex-husband, wannabe rocker "COYOTE" SHIVERS, has been obsessively harassing her, both personally and by misusing the court system. Now, Shivers's latest ex-wife, PAULEY PERRETTEfrom the TV series NCISis claiming the same kind of unruly behavior, citing vandalism, threats, and all kinds of other horrifying damage. (Shivers denies all.) Shivers me timbers.
In other creepy harassment news, some conservatives have tried to equate gay with pedophile in the wake of MARK FOLEY's messshades of the church but they must have forgotten JOHN MARK KARR, not to mention the straight guy with lube and guns who went cuckoo in Amishland. Aha! By the way, the best Foley joke going around: "He lost his bookmark. That's why he has to bend the pages over."
HUSTLE WITH MY MUSCLE
I was bent overwith laughterat the first International Escort Awards at the Roxy, presented by HX and rentboy.com. (Motto: "Money can't buy you love, but the rest is negotiable.") Panting with excitement over who'd win the esteemed honors for fucking and sucking by the hour, I was shocked not only that Martin Short and the guy with the puppets weren't nominated, but also that some of these 'hos are prissier than debutantes. A nominee for Biggest Dick told me he's strictly a top, explaining, "I've had my ass licked, but I've never had anything in there." Even a credit card machine. Similarly, one of the candidates for Most Versatile Escort tried to convince me he's pliable, but he gagged when I asked about felching, moaning, "No way. I consider that gross." So do I! I must be versatile!
Come showtime, emcee SHEQUIDA announced the winners and did all the other talking too, telling the crowd, "There aren't going to be any speeches. What are they gonna talk about, politics?" But after the show, the Best Escort winner, TALVIN DEMACHIO, did talk to me at length about why he's worth $320 an hour, whether in or out (or in andout). "I treat people with respect," he said. "And I take all credit cards, through PayPal." Finallya hustler who's open for business. But wait! Not totally! "I don't bottom," he insisted, earnestly. Mama say what? That's right, folksthe best escort in town says, "You can't fuck me!" The shocks keep coming.
He even startlingly revealed, "I've never even had crabs!" In fact, cleaning up is about as dirty as DeMachio gets. (A client once wanted him to feather-dust his house in the raw. He must have just seen Naked Guys Singing.) After much prodding, DeMachio did tell me about a john who turned out to be a little person. (Like me, he wasn't tall enough.) "I couldn't find him," he related, as my blood warmed. "He said, 'I'm down here!' But he had a dick up to his neck. I bounced him on my lap like a baby." Shades of John Mark Karr and Mark Foley.
Actually, I'd gladly put the entire dwarf in my mouth, but if I can't talk, how am I supposed to know what I'm thinking?