By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
TRANNY, HOW I LOVE YA, HOW I LOVE YA
Let's do something and move on to the sex-change set, who'd never throw out their gels, especially the silicone ones. First off, AMANDA LEPORE told me she's been approached to write a book called Amanda's Charm School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls, which she wants to subtitle Or How to Be an "It" Girl for 2,000 Years.
Trannies come out on top in 20 Centimeters, the new Spanish film in which FELICITY HUFFMAN, I mean MÓNICA CERVERA, plays a narcoleptic pre-op who can't wait to lop off her penis, even though a pal discarded her 21 grams, I mean 20 centimeters, years ago and now feels nothing down there. I intently watched the DVD while holding on to my ding-dong.
At LINDA SIMPSON's Slurp party at the Cock, I chatted up a woman with ballsthe reigning Miss L.E.S., GLENN MARLAwho's clearly a gay man in a lady's body. The Babeland employee said she likes it up the ass, not in the vaginadon't put popcorn on her clamsthough she doesn't mind having someone massage her clit, which she insists on calling her "dick." Got that? But the evening's official entertainment was the VARSITY INTERPRETIVE DANCE SQUAD (VIDS), who are sort of like the DAZZLE DANCERS meet SNL's cheerleaders on meth and Froot Loops. Were they nervous about performing at the Cock? "Yeah," responded the female of the trio, "that I'll catch a venereal disease."
Another antsy nellythe teen dream who plays AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS in Running With Scissorswants you to know he's not gay and he even says so in the movie's press kit. I guess he wasn't Miss Congeniality on the set.
Gay but marriedlet's keep goingBen Butley is a juicy role for NATHAN LANE to swallow live in Butley, the revival of the original British gay-professor problem play. (Sorry, History Boys.) But last Friday, Broadway legend PHYLLIS NEWMAN didn't come back after intermissionthough it might have been because she was carrying an unwieldy contraption that fed her oxygen all night! (Or maybe she was running to catch the second half of High Fidelity, which her daughter AMANDA GREEN wrote the lyrics for. High Fidelity, by the way, is not the story of Keith and Nicole staying together, I swear.)
DINA LOHANthe mother- manager of high-on-life LINDSAYwas feted at Nino's Tuscany for the Boulevard cover story on her as "Long Island's Super Mom," even better than my aunt Sophia. There, I asked Dina if she's basically a new version of Mama Rose in Gypsy. "Way not!" she replied. "Emphasize waaay not." That's waaay OK, but way, I mean why, do the article? "To show that you can be a mother and you don't lose your brain cells," she said. "You can re-enter the work force." Dina is staying in it by pitching a game show she'll produce and star in called CEO of the Household, which is Beat the Clockmeets The Apprentice, but original. Before we could play a round of it, a photographer zoomed in on Dina, so I instinctively told her to hold up the magazine. "No," she said. "Too narcissistic!" Maybe sheneeds a stage mother.
And now I'm going to open my tuna, so nobody scream!