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After a Cinema Village showing, the auteur without hauteur answered audience queries, giving them their very own This Filthy World in 3-D. He revealed that he'll play the grim reaper in Court TV's 'Til Death Do Us Part and an undertaker in an episode of My Name Is Earl. "I'm getting typecast," Waters smirked. "Maybe INGMAR BERGMAN can use me as Death."

Speaking of which, what did Waters think of O.J.'s ghastly book idea? "It was a new low," he said. "The low before that was when JOAN RIVERS and her daughter recreated the suicide of her husband for television!"


Ham on wry: The wonderfully glib Waters
photo: Tina Zimmer
Ham on wry: The wonderfully glib Waters

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Riddle of the sphincters

But now there's a whole new low—my blind items, in which everyone's hideous misdeeds are presented without names, to make it all a giant crime against your sanity. These pesky queries are even more daunting than that epic poem about Petra What's-her-name , which makes me even more anxious to sadistically serve them. And so: Who, when he got out of that police car, tripped, and so did his toupee? (His hairpiece in the back flew up, leaving only the hair plugs in the front. His people have tried to buy up the photos ever since.) What local news presence once took a leave of absence and came back married, though he's still remembered from Ivy League queer dances and suburban gay bars? What aging beauty and director are married strictly for convenience, trust me? What acclaimed foreign star, whom some find quite hunky, is a big old closeted hombre?

What hunting accident, swears an insider, was actually the fault of the secret mistress of the guy who took the blame? What '80s novelist turned bright red screaming at an uptown diarist for having written that the guy's latest tome was a bit of a stiff? What male Broadway performer has a boyfriend, but has been doing it with another hot guy in the same revival? (No, it's not Raúl ; the Company men are talented but not exactly sizzling.) What cover story was supposedly written by a Scientologist, which explains a lot? Which gay porn actor claims he's been hired by that ex-child star, that disabled singer, and that action star (who was very enthusiastic about the sucking aspect of it)?

What '60s TV kook used to get her vagina kicked by an abusive film star? What quirky film actress had a 30th birthday party gala the day she turned 37? What brooding actor supposedly contacted all his gay friends when he became famous, informing them that he could not possibly see them anymore for his career's sake? What society goddess lies—well, let's say exaggerates a teensy bit—when it comes to her top-drawer family and big-buck background? What adorable film actor was once the rent boy for a rich Irish farmer?

Why do I refuse to check my coat at clubs? (Because I'm not going to spend three fucking dollars to check a $2 piece of shit!) Don't you love JESSE JACKSON, who had to apologize in a synagogue for his "hymietown" remarks, telling MICHAEL RICHARDS he needs sensitivity training? What nickname will the Seinfeld star never get called by? Free answer: P.C. Richards!


Web extra: Ready for a new high, Joan Rivers just told me that this is the week when Bravo will give her a thumbs up or thumbs down on the gay View-type show she's set to be hosting. Rivers said if the show is picked up, the pundits will include Jim McGreevey (yes, that Jim McGreevey), Andy Cohen (who's Bravo's Vice President of Production and Programming), and Billy Eichner (of the comedy duo Creation Nation). More on this next week!


musto@villagevoice.com

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