Best and Worst of Sex 2006

From creepy sexin' to tofu-bashing to liquid pussy, Tristan gives her 12-month roundup

The Democrats may have won control of the Senate and the House of Representatives, but the jury's still out on whether their victory will lead to more best or more worst moments in sexuality and gender in 2007. For now, let's look back at the most memorable sexcapades of 2006.

The Creepiest Sex Scene on Television (the one that gave me nightmares): Plastic surgeon Dr. Christian Troy fucking his sex-addict therapist, played by Brooke Shields, on Nip/Tuck. Dr. Troy has had many romps, from the sublime (his four-way with two women and a man) to the ridiculous (doing Rosie O'Donnell's character for cash), but this was just disturbing, and not like the time he fucked the girl wearing a paper bag over her head. At least that was compelling. His sex with Brooke was just wrong.

The Most Progressive Sex Scene on Television: Honors go to the "Crush Girl Love Panic" episode of Weeds on Showtime. Following a hora lesson at rabbinical school and some flirting, Yael takes Andy back to her place for sex, and surprises him with a big black strap-on. Although he looks nervous, he doesn't protest or run screaming from the room. As far as male anal pleasure on the boob tube goes, that's progress. Bet you thought that show was just about selling pot!

The Worst Place to Vacation if You Want to Fuck: Ave Maria, a new town in southwest Florida about 25 miles east of Naples, takes this prize. Built around the Catholic Ave Maria University, the town is being funded by right-winger and Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan, and its inhabitants must adhere to Catholic teachings. That means no porn shops, no XXX cable channels or programs, no birth control pills or condoms at the drug stores, and, of course, no abortions.

The Dumbest Use of Homophobia Disguised as Anti-Tofu Award: Conservative nutjob Jim Rutz earned it. He wrote on World Net Daily: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion, and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!)"

The Most Unfortunate Legal Setback: The New York City health department rejected a proposal that would have allowed transgender people to switch the gender on their birth certificates without sex reassignment surgery (SRS), just before the board of health was due to vote on it. The proposed policy reflected a growing segment of the trans community that chooses not to have SRS for a variety of financial, physical, and emotional reasons. It would have allowed people who are taking hormones, have been living as their chosen gender for at least two years, or have the support of two medical professionals to make the birth certificate change.

The Bonehead Award(perhaps overdue to this recipient): Girls Gone Wild head pimp, um, creator Joe Francis. He dodged a bullet in his recent legal troubles in December; charged with crimes that could have brought up to 10 years in jail, he got off with community service and a $1.6 million fine thanks to a plea deal. He continues to reign over his empire of sexual harassment, misogyny, greed, and general skankiness as authorities continue to dog him: He still faces charges in Panama City, Florida, for several felony counts of using minors in sexual performances. That trial begins in January.

The Safer Sex Research Trend Award: Scientists at Germany's Institute for Condom Consultancy have developed a spray-on condom to solve the problem of ill-fitting prophylactics. Stick your cock in a can, press a button, and your willy's coated in latex that dries in only five seconds. On the Institute's website (spraykondom.de) the process is described as "a bit like a car wash." Meanwhile, at the University of Utah, scientists have created what they call a "molecular condom" for women. Insert a liquid into your vagina and the liquid becomes a gel, which coats the tissue. The gel is sensitive to body temperature and pH levels, so when it comes into contact with semen, the gel reverts back to its original state and releases an anti-HIV drug. No word yet on when either will be available to the public. Until we know if the spray-on condom actually works, the award for . . .

The Most Creative Use of Spray-On Technology: Goes to strippers in Alabama who are using spray-on bikinis to comply with state laws banning bare breasts, pussies, and buttocks in strip clubs. Alabama's law, which is one of the most restrictive in the country and has been in litigation since it was enacted in 1998, was challenged by a lawsuit from a group of clubs throughout the state. After much negotiation in order to settle the dispute, the clubs and the state agreed that thongs and latex spray over nipples, areolae, and butt cheeks would constitute compliance with the law.

The Man Most Persecuted by PayPal: Is none other than Vincent Gallo, who can no longer accept your five- or six-figure payments for his stud and/or escort services through the eBay-owned payment company. Apparently, his explicit offering of sex ("Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me.") violates PayPal policies. I think he'll still take a certified check. But remember, according to the statement on vgmerchandise.com, "Scanning for STDs is required as is [sic] bathing and grooming prior to our encounter."

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