By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
And a single one toonot that she hadn't been warned. Said Lauren, "TS's told me, 'Girl, dating is a crazy bag of chips.' " She thought she'd be above all that, "but you can be in the top rung or be the last runner-up and guys treat you exactly the same." Don't I know it, honey! "But it'll come," concluded Lauren, brightening. I hope so. It'll be the icing on the cupcake.
Taking the cake for the most unappetizing premiere party in recent memory was the soft opening for Factory Girl, where the stars and VIPs were escorted into a luxurious downstairs room while I was ushered with other schleps into an upstairs restaurant to claw at greasy sausage rinds and $3 Cokes (if not $5 water bottles)! Two different parties? And this for a movie that asks, "Why on earth would anyone want to be famous?" (To get invited downstairs, obviously.) Amidst the humiliation, someone asked me what I thought of the movie and I replied, "Enjoyable." "Really?" she said, incredulously. "Well, I was just being polite in case you worked on it," I said. "I did!" she exclaimed, adding more confusion to the mix.
Anyway, the flick does have enjoyable partsmainly SIENNA MILLER's game performance and GUY PEARCE's great one, as Edie gets swept up by the insecure artist, her pert mole compensating for his skin blotches and tilted wig. Alas, he's pitted against "folk singer Billy Quinn," who boringly resents Warhol's commercial world, ultimately telling Edie, "You don't know shit about shit, lady!" HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN is awful in the role (based on poor BOB DYLAN, who just recovered from that rotten jukebox musical) and the whole sad story, which started so appealingly, ultimately loses out to a distinct feeling of "Who cares?"
Meanwhile, the creepiest campaign has to be the one to flog the challenged movie while making Christensen seem like the hottest straight stud in history. There were those absurd reports that he and Sienna were really fucking as the cameras rolled. (Pleaseeven in pornos, they probably don't really do it.) And simultaneously, some gushy "source" has been trying to plant in my column that Hayden was spotted dining with a redheaded woman. Wow! He must have been...hungry.
Starved for attention, Harry Potter star DANIEL RADCLIFFE has caused a ruckus by preparing to appear naked in Equus, perturbing parents who feel the sight of Radcliffe's gauntlet of fire could traumatize their children. Whyare they afraid it'll be that small? Shouldn't they be more upset that his character has a hard-on for a horse? And ends up mutilating six of them in the eyes? And that the play is psychobabble-laden twaddle and in fact utter caca? It's the worst, but seeing his wurst will be the best!
Shameless plug: On Tuesday, February 13, at 8 p.m., I'll be appearing in Fresh Meat with Catie Lazarus at Comix (353 W. 14th Street ), along with Christian Finnegan, Kambri Crews, Eric Davis as "Red Bastard," and a surprise guest. We will present a variety of readings and standup comedy, also sharing our worst experiences in the biz and our very first jokes. For a finale, there's a Q&A "press conference" with you, the audience! Tickets can be purchased online at www.comixny.com or by calling 212.524.2500.