By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The real DOUGLAS CARTER BEANEtold me why JANE KRAKOWSKI had to drop out of his upcoming Broadway version of Xanadu. See, later this year there might be a strike of the Writers Guild (you'll remember them from the first graph), in which case 30 Rock would have to shoot a lot of extra episodes to bank them in advance. So Jane couldn't guarantee that she'd be available to roll around in Xanadu in April. But her loss will be some lucky other lady's gain. (There's talk of a Simpson sister. Even better, PATTI LUPONE can play a tuba. Can she skate?) And yet another diva might get to tackle Beane's The Little Dog Laughed. Beane told me he's selling it to the movies and one of the prospective buyers is a major actress who craves it as a thesping vehicle. The play, of course, is about the watering-down process that Hollywood imposes on gay plays, but I have every certainty that this time they won't go there.
In other gay news, JONNY MCGOVERN"the gay pimp" of the club sceneis a regular on the Rosie O'Donnell-produced The Big Gay Sketch Show, coming up soon on Logo. If it's even 10 percent as funny as the British sketch phenomenon Little Britain, I'll be in homo heaven. And if not, I'll be murmuring the words of the Brit show's unruly former beauty queen, Desiree: "This is so fatiguing to me!"
Tiresome RICKY MARTIN just decided the war in Iraq is bad and he should publicly give DUBYA the finger. He can join all the phonies who are suddenly kissing the DIXIE CHICKS' wide open asses. I guess when he shamelessly played the inaugural ball, he thought Bush's war on gays was just fine!
Sensible gays have a nice place to play at FLXX's Ultra lounge in Chelsea, where some endearingly cracked queens carried on last Wednesday, gamely braving the global colding.
But the hottest queen in Christendom right now is once again BOBBY TRENDY, Anna Nicole Smith's pastel-colored decorator who's been barraged with press requests since the blonde dish's untimely demise. "Anna Nicole Smith made me famous," Trendy cooed to me by phone last week. "I'm the most famous designer in the world and I'm forever grateful to her. I just made the call to ask about buying her a star on the Walk of Fame!" The sexpot earned it, he said, because "even though she spread her legs and bared her genitals, she was not a whore. She was the breadwinner of the family. HOWARD K. STERN led her in the wrong direction by isolating her from other people."
Oh, speaking of Howard Knucklehead Stern, is he a gay? "Everyone thinks he is," Trendy said, "as Doris Duke's butler was, but I never saw that. I saw him as a coattail-riding ambulance chaser." And a good friend.
Well, is Sternyeah, rightDANNIELYNN's father? "Howard would love that so he could pretend and have a meal ticket the rest of his life," Trendy responded. "It's hard to tell who the father is. All these crazy nobodies and unknowns are coming out of the woodwork. It seems at the week of conception, Anna Nicole might have been promiscuous. But it could be her dead husband. She froze his sperm, and with a turkey baster and microwave, she could have had a baby." All right, who's gonna tell the kid, "Your dad was from the time the Dead Sea was just sick"?
Web extra: Do you live in D.C.? Want to get invited to my upcoming book event there and maybe even get a free cocktail? Email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and we'll discuss, kids.