Stuff You Need to Know This Week To Avoid Cultural Ostracism

CINEMATIC MASTERWORK
Adam Sandler's profoundly disturbing resemblance to Bob Dylan inReign Over Me.
Though it is fun to imagine Bob singing "It's cool to pee yo' pants."

SOCIETAL CONUNDRUMS
Wondering why anyone would knowingly watch a video clip of Karl Rove rapping.
Have some respect for yourself.

TECHNOLOGICAL MARVELS
That Marshmallow Peeps–lookin' robot that demonstrates its ability to "incorporate the rhythmic properties of human interactive behavior" by dancing to Spoon's "I Turn My Camera On."
To be honest, it does eerily resemble an overweight thirtysomething dude, with moves that emit similar sex appeal.

RAMPANT NOSTALGIA
Rediscovering your love for Quicksand.
Relive your ill-advised mid-'90s hardcore phase. Bonus: the coining of the lyrical term "excrementable."

SONGWRITING TRIUMPHS
"1-2-3-4!" count-offs in the middle of songs.
The true legacy of "Born to Run."

INSTRUCTIVE RAP SLANG
Applying the advice "Throw some D's on that bitch" to other areas of your life.
Such as changing the batteries in your boombox or grading economics exams.

DISSENTING OPINIONS
Enraged e-mails threatening violence because you deigned to publicly praise Jesse Malin.
Any message that starts "HOLY CHRIST!![Author punches an old lady walking nearby]" is probably worth your time.

 
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