Laughing and Crying at Keaton's Roast

Commiserating with fellow club columnist Romano. Plus playgoing and going to play.

I pray I'm seated onstage for the next play by the aptly named DAVID HARROWER, the Times-hosannahed author of the sex-abuse psychodrama Blackbird. Harrower told Playbill's HARRY HAUN that he's working on a play about sex, the Enlightenment, and philosopher David Hume, tentatively called Flesh Market, after a historic area of Edinburgh. "One of the great things about Edinburgh," Harrower explained, "is its Jekyll-and-Hyde nature. Even as they're philosophizing, they're getting their cock sucked." Sounds more like Jekyll and Hide-the-Salami.

And suddenly it was 1 a.m., and since most of my friends are now grown-ups, I had to wake them up and force them to go clubbing. At Kino 41, the kookiest dance party in town, DANGEROUS MUSE performed electropop with dangerously moussed hair while, in the crowd, AMANDA LEPORE introduced people to her "old man" (her new 19-year-old boyfriend). The night's DJ, MARK MOORE, got raves for his thumpy blend of everything from THE EURYTHMICS to THE GOSSIP, and though cohost KENNY KENNY loved him, it's certainly not because the guy's British. "I hate the British!" Kenny told me, wincing. "I'm Irish! But he's a great, high-energy DJ from the Heaven days. Google him!"

Instead I blog-searched the Gossip and learned that they're not a new ghetto-house band starring CINDY, LIZ, and RICHARD JOHNSON. They're a Portland, Oregon group fronted by lesbian powerhouse BETH DITTO, and it just so happened they were having a party the next night at Mr. Black. There, in between posing with the waiter's bare ass—a house tradition—Ditto told me she'd pulled up in a stretch limo earlier that night to have a truly exquisite meal—chicken fingers at McDonald's! After that, she and her posse saw Hairspray, "and I almost cried four times. My makeup isn't waterproof, so I had to keep the tears back in my eyeballs." Is she aware that TRAVOLTA's starring in the movie? "Yes," she beamed. "You must keep an open mind. Maybe you never would have put that in a sandwich yourself, but when you taste it, you say, 'Wow, that's a delicious sandwich.' " Yeah, pure ham!

And now I'm going to do exactly what J. LO did after instructing the American Idol contestants to sing from the heart and intimately connect with a song. I'm going to scream out a number with exploding smoke bombs, fiery screen projections, and eight backup girls in silver lamé jackets! (While standing perfectly erect.)

musto@villagevoice.com

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