By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES(March 21April 19): To manufacture one penny, the U.S. Treasury spends 1.4 cents. To process petroleum for use in operating a car, the oil industry expends 20 percent more energy than the gasoline yields. These are the kinds of situations you've urgently got to avoid in the coming week, Aries. You need to get substantially more out of any project than what you put into it. So choose your fuel wisely. Be resourceful in your push for greater efficiency.
TAURUS(April 20May 20): The outsourcing of fortune-telling is well underway. Psychics and astrologers from India have been showering me with e-mail invitations to take advantage of their services. "By the grace of the towering flames of goodness that burn the roof of our temple," said one, "we have pledged to slave away our lives to cause the happy encroachment of bubbling karma on your masterful head. We will coax and guide the effects of various planets on the living accidents of your health so as to ease your slippery ride." I suspect you'll soon get puzzling offers of help like this, Taurus. You may even be given gifts you can barely make sense of and receive blessings that seem irrelevant or unlike anything you imagined you needed. My advice: Don't ignore them. They will ultimately turn out to be quite useful.
GEMINI(May 21June 20): If I were you, I'd pursue other adventures besides hanging from a cliff by my fingernails and sweating bullets. But if that kind of thing really gets you off and teaches you the lessons you think you need, I'll give you my grudging astrological permission to continueprovided that you stop no later than May 20. But if you'd consider trying some less manic and more constructive ways to explore your heroic urges, I have a few suggestions. You could wrestle the angels who will only give you their gifts if you fight for them. You could break off relations with green-eyed monsters and yellow-bellied soul-suckers. Or you could dive into the abyss and try to retrieve the treasure that got hurled down into the muck some time back.
CANCER(June 21July 22): What is the holiest river in the world? Some might say the Ganges in India. Others would propose the Jordan River or the River Nile. But in accordance with current astrological omens, I say the holiest river is the one that's closest to where you are right now. Your assignment is to go to that river and commune with it. Throw something valuable into it as an offering, and ask it to teach you how to feel more reverence and amazement and curiosity for everything in your life. By the time we meet here next week, I hope you will have walked on holy streets, praised holy people, hugged holy trees, kissed holy ground, and even shopped at holy stores.
LEO(July 23Aug. 22): In the game of bowling, a score of 300 is called a perfect game. It used to be rare, but in the last two decades it has become far more common. The change is due more to technological advances in balls, pins, and lanes than because of a rise in players' athleticism. Make this your metaphor of the week, Leo. How might you be able to upgrade your chances for success by getting better equipment? How could you get more value out of your existing skills by calling on the help of machines, props, and tools?
VIRGO(Aug. 23Sept. 22): "Have you heard of the 'Nine Pregnant Women' rule?" asks businessman Scott Mills. "It takes nine months to have a babybut you can't get the job done in one month with nine pregnant women. That rule applies to any project: As you think about managing the time that's available to complete a project, it's critical that you identify which steps you must complete sequentially." I suggest you install the Nine Pregnant Women rule at the center of your meditations right now, Virgo. The time is right for you to gaze at the big picture of your life from on high, and then formulate a revised set of long-term plans.
LIBRA(Sept. 23Oct. 22): Through a tip from one of my readers, I discovered that the California State Division of Unclaimed Property was holding $405.85 for me from a class-action lawsuit settled 15 years ago. The agency had a very old address on file and didn't know how to get in touch with me. I contacted them, and am now a bit richer. I predict you will experience a comparable event in the coming week. It's possible that like me, you'll gain possession of a resource you didn't even know has been yours. Or maybe you'll inherit your great-uncle's coin collection or be reunited with a dream you lost track of. In one way or another, Libra, I believe the past will give you a gift.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23Nov. 21): "The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place," said Pablo Picasso, "from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing stranger, from a spider's web." Now substitute your own name for "the artist" in the above statement, Scorpio, and you'll have your assignment for the coming week. In other words, be alert for and open to the feelings flooding toward you from every direction. Regard the whole world as a giant classroom where you'll be taking a crash course to upgrade your emotional intelligence.