By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
Promoter JOSH WOOD's Sunday night gay party at the Hotel Gansevoort's Garden of Ono is a complete oh-yes. At the first one, every gay in town was there, and though they all looked rather alike in their T-shirts and light gloss, it still totally counts as a crowd.
The debut doubled as a 40th birthday bash for popular Towleroad.com blogger ANDY TOWLE, who gladly played Two Questions with me as his boyfriend shrieked, "Be nice to him!" What's the biggest trouble Towle's ever gotten in? "I got a cease and desist from ELLEN DE- GENERES's lawyer," he said, "after I published a picture of her house." Rather than draw cum on it, he threw in the Towle and took it right down. And the biggest dish about Towle himself? "I was a bartender at Splash in '93, when it opened," he impishly revealed. Even more shockingly, he enjoyed it!
Craving something spicier, I cornered porn idol MICHAEL LUCAS to tell him I adored the DVD special feature of his peeing into a guy's anus. "I do that in every movie," he replied. And I love it in every movie. "You want to hear a gross story?" Lucas dared me. No way, nyuh-uh, don't you even ?oh, all right, go ahead. "Recently, I was eating SPENCER QUEST's ass," he obliged ?good beginning"and right after I pulled out, something shot out of it really hard. He said, 'Oh, my boyfriend just peed in my ass.' It was the pee still lodged in there and it smelled like it had been left in an alleyway!" Meaningful pause. "I came anyway."
When you all recover your lunch, let me suggest that there should be a name for this particular activity, seeing as felching has a name and besides, I'm a total label queen. How about water-ballooning? Cup-freshening? Or maybe Lucas's own elegant suggestion: "Peeing in someone's asshole."
ROSIE THE RIVETER
A much lovelier process called multitasking happens when an Oscar-nominated actor gets behind the camera for some committed work, like when ROSIE PEREZ directed and appeared in the eye-opening Soy Boricua, pa'que tu lo sepas! (I'm Boricua, just so you know!), coming out on DVD next week, sans kinky special features. The documentarywhich explores Puerto Rican culture in the face of years of oppressionstarts with Rosie's chirpy voice going serious as she remembers that Puerto Rico was where "your women are sterilized as a matter of U.S. policy while your homeland becomes a toxic testing ground for a country that will let you die for their president but not vote for him."
I asked Rosie (who cohosted my book party earlier this year) what prompted the project, and she told me, "One, I was frustrated that I couldn't get my movie made about the sterilization. Two, I always got so frustrated in Hollywood explaining who I was because back then there was only a few of us. Now everybody wants to be Puerto Rican, which is a good thing. Also, on every Puerto Rican Day, my ex-boyfriend would call me up and rag on me for being Puerto Rican. We're still friends, though. He came to the premiere and was bragging about having been the reason for the movie!"
She whittled the result from three-and-a-half hours down to an 85-minute pride parade, and the result should make her fan base muy feliz. Revealed Rosie, "A studio told me, 'Your biggest numbers ironically are young white males and senior citizens.' I can understand the young white malesit's the tits, and thank god they're still holding up after all these years. But with the senior citizens it's because I love that old New York type of humor and I think it comes out."
To bring it out even more, I told her that J.LO seems to be imitating her in an upcoming movie about salsa pioneer Hector Lavoe and his wife. "You're not the first person who told me that," replied Rosie. "People say, 'Why didn't you do it?' I say, 'Because she has more money than me!' " Rosie laughed riotously, then deadpanned, "I kill myself."
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A SOURCE WITH NO NAME
And now, I'll slay you by going legally blind, with some scandaliciously nameless items that will fill your butt with liquids and torture you in the most delicious way imaginable.
Here goes: Which morning-show presence likes to show it all off, strutting around his gym's locker area while implicitly demanding that everyone takes a look? (Apparently he gets high ratings.) Which still-not-out funnyman known for that sitcom has a gigantic trouser pipe that you'd think wouldn't even fit in a closet? What '60s superstar, swears a hairdresser, is balder than the truth? (Her extensions supposedly start way in the back of her neck!) What old-time performer who went from Broadway to TV to relative obscurity still hovers in the lesbian closet, as if anyone cares? What youngish actor confides to friends that sometimes he wishes he hadn't come out because of the limited roles being offered (though, before he came out, he wasn't getting to show much range anyway)? What actor's dead boyfriend used to sexually harass a lot of his other students?
What designer's ex tells people, "There are two ways to make it in this town ?have a big dick or be a bareback bottom"? Which one applies to him? What local nuisance, who's long promoted his large appendage, sometimes finds during encounters that it's emitting a mild stench? (His response? Rolling some underarm deodorant on it! He must have gotten that from a MARTHA STEWART manual.) Which sauced starlet had visible bruises on the backs of her knees a few years ago, probably a result of either injections or banging herself when getting up from oral sex sessions? What young multitalent admits she had a bout with the blues, but it was actually closer to a complete breakdown? Which zany comic who's always been weird lookingand later became weird looking in a different waywas spotted with a surprisingly hot guy in a gay bar in Brazil? What publicist with a changed name squirms whenever someone's around who remembers he's Lebanese?
What overnight TV star is the newest dyke on the block? What cable series star broke up with his first wife when she dramatically found him in bed with a man? What female pop group were all prostiesexcept for the one of them who was basically the procurer? What abrasive comic canceled his second of two scheduled Chicago readings because he felt like it, but then ballsily had someone call the bookstore he'd screwed to beg for a free $1,000 gift certificate for him? Did he get it? (No!) What fashion icon has become so hatchet-mouthed from surgery that she apparently has to have some of it undone? What's with the talk about that ex-president and GINA GERSHON? What award-winning actor likes to linger by pools to flirt with the working boys, obviously not fully satisfied by the weird lover who had surgery to look more like him? Who was heard murmuring before a TV interview, "If they ask me about the TV Guide channel, I'm leaving!" What young female Broadway star is all too willing to tell people about her male costar's gayness?
Andenough with the blind itemswho's the best, most effervescently multitasking drag queen in town? It's PEPPERMINT, who spices up Monday nights at Barracuda with a high-energy show that totally ups the (open) bar. Peppermint can actually sing and lip-synch, and she has a wide array of bodacious moves, not just the two TINA TURNER ones most drag queens trot out. Plus she's quick but never mean, sassy but not cunty. Her "Buffalo Stance," complete with robot moves through the audience, is astounding, as was the way she dealt with a drunken stage crasher last week by leading him back to his seat while holding up a drink ticket. Brava! Be nice to her!
And now, anybody up for some cup freshening?