Overheard From Others and Myself

Another dead animal, another celebrity clothing line. Oh, and I love Paris when she's sprung—then and only then.

"I come up with a million ideas a day," Wentz went on, "and about one is all right. The lamest idea ever was a circular tape measure that comes out of the toilet bowl so frat guys can measure their shit." I guess he realized that frat boys can just go in there with a slide rule.

Other horrible admissions? "I've been in jail overnight for trespassing as a skateboarder," he said. "But I never served hard time. I wouldn't do well in prison. I'm little. People would definitely pass me around." Like a pack of cancer sticks. Or Paris Hilton. Are his privates petite as well, or do they need a gastric bypass? "I don't like to talk about my equipment," Wentz shot back. "It's already been all over the Internet." With that I hung up and went online, only to find he doesn't need amplification or augmenting at all. Any dog would be thrilled.

Overheard at the Tony Awards? I have no idea, since this year I watched from the peacefulness of my gay living room. My chronological thoughts: ANNE HECHE is with a woman! TAYE and IDINA are still together! The two featured-actor winners are a scenery designer's worst enemy: They chew it nonstop. ANTHONY CHISHOLM was robbed. So was KEVIN SPACEYin that cruise park. Why are so many Broadway stars—who perform live for a living—suddenly lip-synching? MARY LOUISE WILSON's speech is as adorable as JENNIFER EHLE's is gratingly Romper Roomlike. ("I want to thank Tom and Jack and Amy . . .") That Ugly Betty kid is the gayest thing since Ethel Merman. "Let's hear no more nonsense about the state of the American theater," crows the best-director winner—of a British play! An American, The Little Dog Laughed's star JULIE WHITE, turns in a sensationally funny speech that convinces me she's a campy gay male (which I already knew from seeing the play). Yet another Viva Laughlin commercial? Couldn't CBS get other people to advertise? Miss Celie is suddenly dressed by Dior. "If you didn't see it, you missed something special," says BEN VEREEN aboutUSHER's performance in Chicago. Well, a lot of people didn't see it—because Usher canceled out.

At the gala after-party, Julie White stayed in character, telling me she got my book in the nominees' luncheon's gift bag, "but we were hoping for a phone or a mattress." Well, at least she got a Tony. Did her play's author, DOUGLAS CARTER BEANE, write her zippy acceptance speech, by any chance? "No," she said, smirking. "Maybe you should start wondering if I wrote his play!"

By a different buffet, I asked genius TOMMY TUNE how he got assigned the celebrity-death segment. "I was so honored," he said. "It means I must be gaining gravitas. Usually they want me to throw my legs over my head." I am touching that one. musto@villagevoice.com

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