Haven Can Wait

Rehab as a beautiful experience, plus cracks about pies. Psst! Ted Haggard was a top.

En route back to New York, I met some strangers on the train and ended up hitting the clubs with them (though ultimately we are all alone). At the Monster, we spotted a drag queen gleefully spinning something called the Wheel of Foreskin, while at Pieces a black guy was vowing not to go to Chi-Chiz because "I'm not a thug—I'm a Huxtable kid."

On the rooftop over at Pop Rocks, the guest of honor was MIKE JONES, the escort who blew the whistle, among other things, on REVEREND TED HAGGARD. Jones—who poetically looks like a cross between JEFF GANNON and JOHN PAULUS—told me that "when the mass media converged on me, I needed help, but the HRC never called back. I guess they think I'm a poor representation of the gay community. It's disappointing to me. But some gay people see me as a hero. Even KARL ROVE mentioned the Haggard scandal as one of the reasons the Republicans lost!"

Is saggy Haggard a professional liar? "He says he only met me one time for a massage," related Jones, "and he bought drugs from me and threw them away. But it was actually three years of more than massages. And I didn't buy him drugs, I hooked him up—and he did not throw them away." Most importantly, darling: top or bottom? "He was a bottom one time," said Jones. "He wanted to try it, but he had a hard time of it." (Eww. I have something in common with Ted Haggard!)

Not just pretty faces: Esparza, Schreiber, and Lennix at Sardi's
photo: Andy Kropa
Not just pretty faces: Esparza, Schreiber, and Lennix at Sardi's

"Ted Haggard is a sad man," Jones went on. "Until he's honest with himself, he'll never be happy." Before Jones went off to spin the Wheel of Foreskin, he handed me a condom with his book title, I Had to Say Something, on one side and the word hypocrisy crossed out on the other. "I gave one to ESTELLE PARSONS," he told me, "and she said, 'I love chocolates!' " mmusto@villagevoice.com

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