Room With a Spew

Maggots at the Times and other nasty revelations

"It all happened in a nightclub," she went on, "but we do have lives outside it, and as Rainblo and I have always said to one another, 'When the wigs come off and the makeup's removed, all that's left is me and you.' We have found a true love that supports and inspires our life. So what if we're both in separate bathroom stalls with other people? We always go home together!" It's starting to sound more and more like one of those Scientology hookups, but this one happened organically, and they're so open about it, you gotta just go yay and throw confetti in their cocktails.

In other genital nightlife news, LUKE NERO, the waiter with the perfect ass at the downtown club Mr. Black, delightfully insists not only on keeping it exposed while he does his wait-serving, but on peskily shoving it in everyone's face. The reaction, invariably enough, is sheer horror! Kidding—it's absolute delight as the customers (including celebs like FERGIE and CHLO SEVIGNY) gleefully pose for photos with those charming cheeks in between an occasional pinch for freshness. Well, Nero has amassed such an astounding collection of photos that he's now shopping a coffee-table book of them! It'll have even more shots of asses than the MISSHAPES book.

By the way, every time I go on a date in a club, there comes a point where the guy spots recording artist CAZWELL in the crowd and practically orgasms, cooing, "Ooh, there's Cazwell! He's so cute!" Fuck off, Cazwell. You're ruining my love life.

Chloe knows a "sweet piece of ass"
photo: Courtesy of Luke Nero
Chloe knows a "sweet piece of ass"

But back to the items: The most telegenic scene at Equinox recently was ANDERSON COOPERon a stair machine right next to SAM CHAMPION on a treadmill, the two of them occasionally communicating in between huffs and puffs. They were probably saying, "If this gym burned down, there'd be no more gays on TV."

Porn icon MICHAEL LUCAS was recently spotted sporting sunglasses (he had lasix surgery) and, more inhibitingly, braces on his teeth. But how does he suck dick, pray tell? "I take them off," he told me, simply.

Meanwhile, the new New York Times offices need all kinds of serious surgery, as you may have already read. First off, there's practically nowhere private to go in the whole place—everything's brightly lit, and even the "crying rooms" for privacy are glassed off in full view. Worse, there are maggots dropping out of the vents because the vermin in there—you heard me—have attracted larvae-wielding horseflies. In one department, horrifyingly enough, a maggot fell about an inch away from someone's coffee, almost creating a highly unwanted mug of magga-ccino! It's like a CHRISTIAN BALE movie. I haven't been so shocked since Mary Poppins said cunt at Broadway Bares. Good night. Loud trumpet sound made with my mouth. With braces off.

LA DOLCE MUSTO WEB EXTRA

Want to know what Anna Nicole Smith thought of her ex husband, feminism, and Madonna? Well, while doing some belated housecleaning, I came upon my 1993 interview with the then-exploding model and realized she had uncorked some doozies. Her first hubby?

"He was very abusive," Anna Nicole told me. "I was too scared to fight back. . .He's been in his room ever since I left, in his parents' house. He has circles under his eyes—and his hair is whiter than mine."

Were men in the business coming on to her all the time? "No," she said. "No one has approached me, no one serious."

Maybe because they're gay? "I've noticed that. I've noticed that a lot."

Did she consider herself a feminist? "I don't understand that question," she admitted. You know, fighting for women's rights. "Whoever started that, I could kick them in the head. I believe in women staying home and watching the children while the husband's at work."

What happened in the kitchen at Red Lobster, where SHE worked? "I'm not going to tell. . .Just don't ever make anyone mad and don't send anything back."

Who did she think is sexier—Madonna or Sharon Stone? "Oh, gosh, neither. I'm upset with Sharon because she was offered the Marilyn Monroe part (in a proposed adaptation of The Immortals) and she looks nothing like her. I wanted that part. Madonna was approached too. I would have thrown up. She plays good music—that's all I can say. She should definitely stick to that. I used to like her in the old days when she was nice, before all the fame and fortune got to her."

musto@villagevoice.com

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