By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Would you like to shed your soul's baby fat without having to go on a diet? Do you want to supercharge your immune system, improve your memory for the events that really matter, and build the spiritual power of your sexual feelings? Are you interested in postponing forehead wrinkles, getting glimpses of your beautiful future, and diminishing your fascination with the media's nihilism? The secrets to pulling off these possibilities will be more available to you than ever before in the coming weeks. And what's the best way to ensure you'll gather them in? Open your heart. I mean really open your heartwith a relentlessly tender intensity.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): For a limited time only, you have cosmic permission to suck your thumb, drool freely, and murmur "gaga" over and over again. More than that: You have a poetic license to spend expansive periods rocking back and forth while curled into the fetal position, either under the covers or on the beach, while singing little made-up songs about everything you love. The moment has arrived, in other words, to give yourself permission to melt into a pool of primal goo as you commune with the music of the spheres and tune in to the hymn of your deepest longings.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): My Gemini friend Risa is brilliant and sophisticated. She speaks four languages fluently, and is one of the few people I've met who understands the theory of relativity. So then why is she fascinated with bad reality TV shows like The Girls Next Door, which follows the lives of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends? How could she possibly enjoy monster truck rallies, which she attends now and then? What purpose is there in her encyclopedic knowledge of the toys favored by children in Kazakhstan, the diets of German racehorses, and the clubs of Chinese women devoted to reproducing antique European lace doilies? As an astrologer, I don't find this mysterious. I'm aware that for many Geminis, everything is potentially interesting, even information other people regard as trivial. It's all raw data to be used in the infinitely fun game of playing with ideas. And that has never been a more apt description of your tribe than it is now.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): "I tell young people that the greatest paintings in museums are made with minerals mixed in oil smeared on cloth with the hair from the back of a pig's ear," says artist James Rosenquist. I hope that thought incites you to achieve pragmatic breakthroughs in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It's time to play in the mud and risk making a mess, if necessary, in order to translate your beautiful visions into earthy realities.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Barbara Sher's self-help tome is called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It. In one sense, it's designed for beginnersyoung people who are just learning how to identify meaningful goals to pursue. But in my opinion, every one of us periodically needs to revisit the mode described in the book's title. For instance, maybe you've accomplished a dream you've worked on for months or years, and require a jumpstart as you seek your next big project. Or maybe some desire that motivated you for a long time has faded in its intensity, and you're feeling blah and apathetic, in need of redirection. Does any of this apply to you, Leo? I bet it does.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The modern war between science and spirituality seems laughable in light of the life of Sir Isaac Newton. His discoveries in the realms of physics, mathematics, and astronomy were so seminal and so numerous that he's regarded as the most influential scientist in history. Many refer to him as the greatest genius who ever lived. And yet Newton's central passions were alchemy and the Bible, about which he wrote millions of words, far more than what he devoted to his scientific interests. "Gravity explains the motions of the planets," he wrote, "but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done." I suggest you make Newton your role model, Virgo. It's a favorable time to forge a new spirit of cooperation between the two parts of your psychelet's call them the rational and the transcendentwhich so many of today's thinkers have told you cannot possibly co-exist.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I'd love to see you call your own bluff and blow your own cover. I'm hoping you'll stop hiding your assets and keeping so many secrets. And I really, really wish you would come out of the closet, not just about your unique gender identity, but also about the other idiosyncratic twists and turns that make you who you are. Please stop being afraid of revealing your beauty, Libraeven the work-in-progress aspects of your beauty. It's time to close the gap between the real you and the images people have of you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): [Editor's note: To prepare this horoscope, I stole some of the lyrics from Yoko Ono's song "Revelations" and added some words of my own.] Bless you for your anger, Scorpio. It's a sign of zeal. If you transform it into creative fire, it will transmute your relationship with any situation you're angry about. Bless you for your greed. It's a sign of great capacity. Honor the law of karma by giving as much as you want to get, and your greed will drive you to grow generous. Bless you for your jealousy. It's a sign of immature empathy. Ripen it into admiration, and what you admire will become an inspiring part of your life.