Can You Top This?

Unrelated: the city's sex life bottoms out; Hillary's gal Friday; Dean among the Queens

A straight Democrat—sorry, that's a segue—DNC head HOWARD DEAN, guest-starred at a "Democrats and Donuts with Dean" event in Fire Island, where there was no worry that he might outscream the screaming queens. But I was told that press attendees couldn't write up the event, so I'll shut up here and only say that at another point in the weekend, I told one Pines Democrat the Hillary/Huma scenario and he deadpanned, "That's a step up from DONNA SHALALA."

At the premiere party for El Cantante, Hector Lavoe's daughter told me she liked the movie, but they never showed the wonderful way her dad interacted with his fans. Just then, MARC ANTHONY interacted with his fans by barreling onstage with a big band and performing just for us. "I was only supposed to do two songs," said Marc Anthony. He did three!

No wonder AL GORE feels cars are a menace to our environment. His son has been arrested four times for reckless driving.

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Marrakesh, the Wednesday gay night at Azza, hosted by the lovely ALEXANDRIA et al., brings some cuties to midtown as well as the chance to legally puff away—on a hookah. The problem is, whenever anyone exclaims, "Look at that hookah!" all the sluts turn around and say, "Who, me?"

On the same night—sorry, that's segue-ish— WILL CLARK hosts the casually amusing Porn Bingo at 9th Avenue Bistro, where grandma's game has become a newfangled way for vers tops to win lube and dirty videos (if not fleshlights).

BRAD PITT and GWYNETH PALTROW are reuniting in the intriguingly named Dirty Sexy Money—I mean Dirty Tricks—and I'm certain it will be the biggest gossip gold mine since Gigli. Let's not forget that Gwynnie once admitted she screwed up her relationship with Pitt, a tidbit she sounded a tad regretful about. And Brad must be long over Angelina's transition from the hot, tawdry other woman to a Mother Teresa type who circles the globe looking for high-cheekboned babies to pluck out of garbage cans. She will surely be watching Brad on the set like a hawk with big lips.

Next week, it's back to the segues. They put some threading into this crazy quilt and help me select an orifice.

musto@villagevoice.com.

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