Trapped in the Closet

The dubious highs and extreme lows of Fashion Week

4:17 Crawling down West 37th Street in the taxi after the J Mendel show, I look out the window and see a perfect, lovely-looking red-and-white dress in the window of a place called Ziani Couture for $10.

6:12 "You need to get in line! Nobody's getting in unless you get in line!" the security guy screams at the Baby Phat show. Nevertheless, I see Ivana Trump and her escort, who is wearing a heavily encrusted diamond watch, sail right in. Then, suddenly, over a sea of bobbing heads, the big guy points at me—and I am swept inside. I feel like Mischa Barton, minus the Van Cleef jewelry.

DAY FIVE

"Are you a cape person?"
"Are you a cape person?"

3:22 "This is the only Rodarte I'll ever own," says the woman sitting next to me, who works for the museum at FIT, fingering the white shirt the Rodarte sisters made for the Gap last summer. It's 2,000 degrees in the Chelsea loft where Rodarte is showing, my hair gel is running down my face—so elegant!—and I'm craning my neck to see if I can spot the model I overheard on the 23rd Street crosstown bus on the way over: "I got seven shows," she lamented to a photographer. "I already walked in five of them—all shitty."

5:45 I am desperate to take a gander at His Royal Highness Prince Sultan Abdulaziz D'Na, whose lengthy moniker adorns a front-row seat at the ThreeAsFour show, but either he is a no-show or the guy in shorts and none-too-fresh-looking tee, chewing gum and slurping from a water bottle, is a genuine prince.

8:37 At the Warhol Factory X Levi's X Damien Hirst show at the Gagosian gallery, a journalist asks brightly what I think Hirst should do next. "Diamond dildos!" says the guy next to me, not missing a beat. "Chanel suits made of Play-Doh?" I finally offer weakly. This tribe of reporters and bloggers trolling the crowd asking questions on the order of "Can you rank the upcoming trends on a scale of 1 to 10?" and "What's your favorite thing so far this week?" makes me feel like Edward R. Murrow.

DAY SIX

5:41 "Big girls, you are beautiful—you take a girl, multiply by four, now a lot of woman needs a whole lot more," booms Mika while the requisite giraffes and gazelles amble down the runway at Diane Von Furstenberg. Which leads me to wonder: Does DVF make plus-sized garments?

6:52 "The journey that we all partake from moment to moment. From day to day, from person to person, from space to place. With each step, we gradually work our way into an experience," reads the program notes at the Philip Lim show. Huh? Oh well, maybe these steps will lead me to a better seat at Marc Jacobs tomorrow night. I mean, what with Jane magazine folding, shouldn't I move up at least one row?

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