Apocalypse Musto

This "Best of New York" includes the best place at which to get both sciatica and a nervous breakdown.

The best present to give someone you hate is a Kim's Video gift card. If you try to use the card at the St. Marks branch of Kim's, the poor attendant has to go downstairs to some other mysterious machine where they can actually make it work for you. By time they come back with the movie and the paperwork, your entire taste has changed, but you're stuck with the movie you originally asked for. Don't let your card get a little weatherbeaten either. When that happens, even the manager can't figure out how much is left on the account—only some guy can, "and he's out sick," I was told last time. "He's been out sick for a while."

The best way to annoy me personally is to come at me with a self-promoting mantra—a raison d'etre you repeatedly invoke to signal the fact that you not only exist, you're endlessly fabulous thanks to some two-degrees of separation experience with something better. In the last year, I've heard the following sayings repeated ad nauseum: "I went to Iceland for free"; "I wrote an article for Town and Country"; "I met Hanson at the opening-night party for Taboo"; "I was an Alvin Ailey dancer but I broke my hip"; and the immortal, "I did Internet porn movies in Canada." Shut the fuck up! Go home and watch yourself on YouTube!

But the surest way to be annoyed at clubs is to hang out with a user who says everyone is using you; a mess who says he's sober and has never heard of Manhunt, but actually has three separate profiles and collects bumps like trading cards; and a nutjob who wildly makes out with you, then calls the next day to say, "Sorry, I was drunk." In fact, let's ban anyone who's only fun when they're loaded, making you diabolically pray they'll fall off the wagon and look alive again no matter how destructive that is for their fucking well being!

Have you done this man wrong?
photo: Elena Dahl
Have you done this man wrong?


And finally, the best argument against gay supremacy is the fact that our very own LGBT Center can be so extraordinarily amateurish. I had a horrible experience with a book event there—the organizer asked me to read and then wasn't reachable for months to iron out the details. He showed up at the reading, then left right before it started. But I still believe in fairies and nothing's gonna change that, darlings.

Whew! I feel so much better now, even though if all these places gang up on me and get their retribution, it will indeed be my last day in New York.


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