Perez Hilton: "I Like Food, Not Drugs!"

Yet another Rhode trip. Then it's back to Manhattan for cock tales.

On Broadway, Cyrano de Bergerac has Kevin Klinetoning down the clown makeup in order to trot out more sly, cutting wit than the usual bombast, while co-star Jennifer Garner takes the opposite rue. Mrs. Affleck seems way too anxious to make something out of every syllable and reaction shot, which I found painfully overemphatic. But once she has to weave and talk at the same time, it relaxes her and she's actually pretty moving at the end.

Tom Stoppard can usually weave diverse sociopolitical strands together, so at his Rock 'N' Roll, which challengingly mixes Czechs and balances, ushers are often asked the running time. "It's two hours and 55 minutes," one told me last Saturday. "It's really three hours, but they told me to say that because it sounds better!" Put it this way: By the time the woman with one breast pulls her wig off, it's a quarter to Communism.

I caught up with Asian-American revolutionary Margaret Cho's The Sensuous Woman—a hilariously embracing variety show at the Zipper Factory that she describes as "a little bit country, a little bit anal." But in one of the few stand-up segments flanking all the erotic dancing, Cho draws the line by saying that sucking straight guys' unwashed dicks isn't always so delectable. "If I want cheese, I'll go to Whole Foods," she moans. "And pussy is no treat either. I've had some pussy that makes my eyes water. I need to put a piece of bread in my mouth before I go down on it." Again—go to Whole Foods!

Or just go the sex-doll route, as in Lars and the Real Girl, which is—brace yourselves—quirky, and which, according to co-star Emily Mortimer at a special screening last week, used two $10,000 sex dolls for filming, one of which Ryan Goslingended up keeping. Maybe he can pretend it's Sandra Bullock? "You wanted to make jokes at the doll's expense or stick cigarettes up her nose," said Mortimer, "but she was actually intimidating. Her calm presence made me feel I should do the same thing. You seem very wise when you don't speak." Quick, someone get Ann Coulterto shoot a movie with a sex doll.

The characters in Lions for Lambs speak—a lot—with Meryl Streep doing it the best, but despite some stimulating ideas, the result is more like three extended cable news segments than an actual motion picture. The message I got from it was that we must stop the war in Iraq—so there'll be no more earnestly dull antiwar movies! In the meantime, give these lions and lambs some ocelot print.

musto@villagevoice.com

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