By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
Whoever invented touch typing had a seriously boring sex lifethey certainly never considered having sex online. Of course, the internet didnt even exist back then (1888, to be exact)but why did they have to make it so damn hard to masturbate while typing? Take one hand off the keyboard, plant it between your legs, and suddenly you lose half the alphabet!
Cybersex regulars know that keeping up a simultaneous pacethats strokes and keysis an art. Its also the fundamental dilemma of the two-way dirty talker. Concentrate hard on touching yourself, and youll be too preoccupied to sex up your partner. Your partner, in turn, might lose interest in the chat, cutting the flow of the dirty talk you were jerking off to in the first place. But concentrate on what youre writing instead, and your second hand will probably end up typing instead of touching. Whats a cyberer to do?
Before we can tackle multitasking, we have to deal with logistics. How do you physically type and masturbate at the same time? First, theres the issue of hand dominance. Since computer mice usually sit on the right, men and women who masturbate with their left hands find they have an easier time pointing and clicking for porn. In theory, the same should hold true for typing: wank with your non-dominant hand, and keep your dominant one free for the keyboard. Typos, be warned.
Thats the idea. However, Im a right-handed touch-typer myself, and after a series of hands-down-pants experiments, Ive found my left hand is actually just as goodor bad, as the case may beat handling the keyboard solo. Unfortunately, both hands are pretty lost at typing on their own. Even if my dominant hand had won the QWERTY competition, theres no way I couldve switched my masturbation routine. I suspect Im not the only cyberer with one suave hand that knows all the tricks, and another thats as clumsy as a set of teenage digits groping a prom dates panties.
To be fair, being a girl, my anatomy is a bit more complicated than that of at least half the cyber wanking population. So really to test my typing techniques, I pulled out my strap on. Granted, my sparkly, silicone surrogate penis cant test pleasure, but I found I could get into a pretty reliable rhythm using my left hand to jerk off and my right to type. With a little stimulus incentive, my previously baffled hand seemed to be adapting. One-handed touch typing might make Frank McGurrin roll over in his grave (thats the sex-less, nineteenth-century somebody who invented the whole idea) but thats what I was doing. With my thumb on the spacebar and my fingers spread out across the middle of keyboard, Im still one evolutionary step up from the two-handed hunt and peck.
For the right-handers among us who lack penises? I recommend left-hand training. Hold your right arm behind your back and write a paragraph each day. Sounds silly, I know. But with enough practice, even the stupidest hand can be taught.
Now that weve got the logistics down, we can move on to positions. In this department, a laptopand a little creativityis crucial. Sure, its possible to masturbate while sitting at a computer desk. Amateurs on webcams do it every day. But if you want to wank like the pros, check out the positions used by real performers: cam girls. Ladies, try lying on your side next to your computer. Alternatively, lie on your stomach with your computer out in front of you and one hand underneath you. Less sexy with a cam but equally effective for men and women alike is lying on your back with your computer on your stomach. Just please, please, remember good tech hygiene and be careful where you aim.
When it comes down to it though, the real trouble with touching yourself while you touch type isnt hand choice or position, its concentration. Could you write quality erotica while jerking off? Could you even spell clitoris while rubbing yourself? Probably not.
The first step to successful cyber masturbation then is settling. If youve got one hand on the keyboard and one down your pants, neither is going to be doing its best work. Expect long pauses between strokes while you try to elaborate on just how hard you would fuck your partner. Expect grammar mistakes and abbreviated words and a lot of oooos and mmmms. Expect mediocrity.
Whats the solution? Simple: dont masturbate while you type. Let your partner talk you off by giving a one-sided speech about what theyd like to do to youor concentrate on making your cybersex transcript as hot as possible, then refer back to it later. Having both hands free isnt just useful in typing. Now, as for the person who invented two-handed masturbating
Click Me runs on villagevoice.com every Monday. Got a question about cybersex? Write to your friendly neighborhood cybersexpert Bonnie Ruberg for advice, info, or just to share stories about sex and the internet: bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com.