Tips for Touching and Typing

Bonnie straps it on to test techniques for cyber masturbation

Whoever invented touch typing had a seriously boring sex life—they certainly never considered having sex online. Of course, the internet didn’t even exist back then (1888, to be exact)—but why did they have to make it so damn hard to masturbate while typing? Take one hand off the keyboard, plant it between your legs, and suddenly you lose half the alphabet!

Cybersex regulars know that keeping up a simultaneous pace—that’s strokes and keys—is an art. It’s also the fundamental dilemma of the two-way dirty talker. Concentrate hard on touching yourself, and you’ll be too preoccupied to sex up your partner. Your partner, in turn, might lose interest in the chat, cutting the flow of the dirty talk you were jerking off to in the first place. But concentrate on what you’re writing instead, and your second hand will probably end up typing instead of touching. What’s a cyberer to do?

Before we can tackle multitasking, we have to deal with logistics. How do you physically type and masturbate at the same time? First, there’s the issue of hand dominance. Since computer mice usually sit on the right, men and women who masturbate with their left hands find they have an easier time pointing and clicking for porn. In theory, the same should hold true for typing: wank with your non-dominant hand, and keep your dominant one free for the keyboard. Typos, be warned.

If you want to wank like the pros, check out the typing positions used by cam girls.
If you want to wank like the pros, check out the typing positions used by cam girls.

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Heroine Sheik
Bonnie Ruberg's blog about sex, tech, gender, and videogames

Last Week's Click Me:
Talking with Tasty Trixie, A Self-Employed Spy-Cam Sex Star

That’s the idea. However, I’m a right-handed touch-typer myself, and after a series of hands-down-pants experiments, I’ve found my left hand is actually just as good—or bad, as the case may be—at handling the keyboard solo. Unfortunately, both hands are pretty lost at typing on their own. Even if my dominant hand had won the QWERTY competition, there’s no way I could’ve switched my masturbation routine. I suspect I’m not the only cyberer with one suave hand that knows all the tricks, and another that’s as clumsy as a set of teenage digits groping a prom date’s panties.

To be fair, being a girl, my anatomy is a bit more complicated than that of at least half the cyber wanking population. So really to test my typing techniques, I pulled out my strap on. Granted, my sparkly, silicone surrogate penis can’t test pleasure, but I found I could get into a pretty reliable rhythm using my left hand to jerk off and my right to type. With a little stimulus incentive, my previously baffled hand seemed to be adapting. One-handed touch typing might make Frank McGurrin roll over in his grave (that’s the sex-less, nineteenth-century somebody who invented the whole idea) but that’s what I was doing. With my thumb on the spacebar and my fingers spread out across the middle of keyboard, I’m still one evolutionary step up from the two-handed hunt and peck.

For the right-handers among us who lack penises? I recommend left-hand training. Hold your right arm behind your back and write a paragraph each day. Sounds silly, I know. But with enough practice, even the stupidest hand can be taught.

Now that we’ve got the logistics down, we can move on to positions. In this department, a laptop—and a little creativity—is crucial. Sure, it’s possible to masturbate while sitting at a computer desk. Amateurs on webcams do it every day. But if you want to wank like the pros, check out the positions used by real performers: cam girls. Ladies, try lying on your side next to your computer. Alternatively, lie on your stomach with your computer out in front of you and one hand underneath you. Less sexy with a cam but equally effective for men and women alike is lying on your back with your computer on your stomach. Just please, please, remember good tech hygiene and be careful where you aim.

When it comes down to it though, the real trouble with touching yourself while you touch type isn’t hand choice or position, it’s concentration. Could you write quality erotica while jerking off? Could you even spell “clitoris” while rubbing yourself? Probably not.

The first step to successful cyber masturbation then is settling. If you’ve got one hand on the keyboard and one down your pants, neither is going to be doing its best work. Expect long pauses between strokes while you try to elaborate on just how hard you would fuck your partner. Expect grammar mistakes and abbreviated words and a lot of oooo’s and mmmm’s. Expect mediocrity.

What’s the solution? Simple: don’t masturbate while you type. Let your partner “talk you off” by giving a one-sided speech about what they’d like to do to you—or concentrate on making your cybersex transcript as hot as possible, then refer back to it later. Having both hands free isn’t just useful in typing. Now, as for the person who invented two-handed masturbating…

Previously: She Says She Orgasmed During Cybersex, But How Do I Know for Sure?

Click Me runs on villagevoice.com every Monday. Got a question about cybersex? Write to your friendly neighborhood cybersexpert Bonnie Ruberg for advice, info, or just to share stories about sex and the internet: bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com.

 
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