I Am Legend Star: I Am Straight!

Wynonna's backwoods backstory (and other therapy issues)

The always superb Patricia Clarkson is known for making strong statements, like the Internet video she and Amy Ryan did in favor of the writers' strike in which they sardonically read from the appliance section of a phone book. ("Low, low, low prices!") "All my best friends are writers," moaned Clarkson to me at a Lars and the Real Girl lunch at the Four Seasons. "The producers have to concede and give up a few shekels!" All written and filmed, the upcoming Oxlee's Road has the Oscar nominee appearing with the suddenly hot Hal Holbrook. "He was amazing in Into the Wild," Clarkson noted. "Yeah, he's totally sizzling!" I shrieked, embarrassingly. "I said, 'Please give me a romantic scene with Hal,' " Clarkson cracked. "But they wouldn't!" Damn those writers—but they still deserve to get better than low, low prices.

Juno was written by an ex-stripper, which probably explains why Howard Stern was at the big screening last week. And though it turns out to be the year's third comedy—spoiler alert—about an unwanted pregnancy that isn't aborted, I liked it anyway. "It's Fox-friendly," beamed an employee of that channel. "They don't kill the baby." But it's bracingly zippy and well acted by Ellen Page as the 16-year-old "fertile Myrtle" whose encounter with a guy's "pork sword" leads to so much serious swelling she ultimately declares, "I'm a planet." At the after-dinner—where I became Uranus thanks to more fellowship and food—Page told me that her screen test with two of the other actors will appear on the DVD. But see the film now and try to decide if Juno should have kept the baby herself. No way, said Page, " Jennifer Garner should be the mom." "So Ben Affleck is the father?" I cracked. "They're good people!" she exclaimed, seriously.

Icky people fill Pinter's newly revived The Homecoming, the third play in a row with reuniting siblings and the second in which reuniting siblings and a hateful parent drag one another into a pile of mud. Try it, Judds! Then go see The Savages! But back to fellowship: DJ/writer Anita Sarko, Fab Five Freddie, and Robyn Hitchock drop by as themselves in Jonathan Demme's just-wrapped comedy Dancing With Shiva, written by Jenny Lumet . . . Meanwhile, what socialite's mama was just being herself when she tried to return a fur to Bergdorf's a year and a half after its purchase? And can you believe they accepted it? . . . In other debit-card news, Celine Dion seems to have bodyguards when she shops uptown, but not when she shops downtown. I do that process in reverse . . . And finally, I hear downtown type and Warhol star Ultra Violet is a Mormon who's rooting for Mitt Romney. Me too. Only he could get brothers Jesus and Satan on the same bill at Foxwoods.


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