The Very Best "Best of '07" Round-Up!

The absolutely last word on words not to have lived by during the previous year

My new drag names: Kelly Green, Rhoda Dendrum, Lana Cane, Bertha DaBlues, Olive Boats, Bindi Pressed, Vera Cruz, Rosie Scenario, Isabella Duncan Donuts, and for a drag king, Ciro Conversion, Artie Choke, Basil Pesto, Arthur Avenue, Al Dente, or Chuck Sirloin.

Don't you hate when this happens?: Anthony Fortunato, one of a group of guys charged with an anti-gay hate death, argued that he's gay himself. But excuse me, tons of anti-gay actions are initiated by queens, especially self-loathing closet cases! I mean, really a lot of them! It's still a hate crime! Fortunately, the law agreed.

Weirdest move by any defense: Phil Spector's lawyers had him simulate pointing a loaded weapon in order to prove that it couldn't possibly have happened. But all that's now left in the world's collective mind is the image of a weirdo with bad hair looking very comfortable aiming a gun into space— so comfortable, in fact, that he seemed almost comatose. They couldn't have done worse if they'd actually given him a loaded weapon and had him aim it at the jury. Inspiringly enough, he got off anyway. Shoot me.

The other most vivid image: Katie Holmes running for her life! I know she was just having fun as part of the New York City Marathon, but still, the sight of the gal racing and huffing and puffing made you mutter, "Keep going, girl! Get away!"

Reality TV is unreal: Lindsay Lohan was propelled into a self-destructive fast-lane life that always seems to have her teetering on the brink of oblivion. So what does mama do? She starts a reality show in which she pushes her youngest children into the same hideous situation! Meanwhile, Larry Birkhead won custody of Dannielynn because he seemed so much more genuine and caring than that other freak. So what does he do? He reportedly starts a reality show in which he thrusts the baby into the camera while greasing his pocket and press kit. Whatever happened to classy, ennobling shows like Anna Nicole's?

What's with the guy who checks off your receipt as you leave Kmart?: He never matches it to the merchandise you're carrying! You could have bought one thing and piled 20 more into your bag, but all he cares about is seeing if you have a receipt—any receipt—so he can check it off and wish you a nice day. The K is clearly for kooky-krazy.

If only she'd lived, we'd now have . . . the blog of Anne Frank. Works for me.

WEB EXTRA

My NEXT year-end wrap-up—you know, for 2008—has already gotten a little boost thanks to a bit of nightlife news that just flew onto my runway. It seems party queenpins Susanne Bartsch and Kenny—who did fun, feathery, sexy bashes at Happy Valley, Room Service, and Arena—are reteaming for a Tuesday night event that'll start in the near future. I'll fill you in on it as soon as I take the glitter out of my colon (long story).

More gayola news: Justin Ocean is seguing from editor of the gay-bar mag Next to editor of Out Traveler. Sounds like a fun trip!

musto@villagevoice.com

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