The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie
Directed by Mike Nawrocki
Universal Pictures, opens January 11
One way to change your child's opinion of produce is to subject them to The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie, which makes the prospect of scarfing down a plateful of unseasoned brussel sprouts enticing by comparison. From the present to "somewhere in the 17th century," three vegetables of vaguely determinate type but obvious racial identity arrive to save a royal family from a group of pirates. All sorts of nonsense is accomplished with the aide of the golden compasserr, the help seekera gizmo that allows a cucumber, a gourd, and a grape (all fruit, incidentally) to play heroes in the past so as to boost their egos in the present. Humorless, incoherent, and ugly as sin, this Christian-friendly production is as tragic as the candle wax that resembles a glob of man jam and opens Pa Grape's eyes to the meaning of his adventure.