The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie

One way to change your child's opinion of produce is to subject them to The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie, which makes the prospect of scarfing down a plateful of unseasoned brussel sprouts enticing by comparison. From the present to "somewhere in the 17th century," three vegetables of vaguely determinate type but obvious racial identity arrive to save a royal family from a group of pirates. All sorts of nonsense is accomplished with the aide of the golden compass—err, the help seeker—a gizmo that allows a cucumber, a gourd, and a grape (all fruit, incidentally) to play heroes in the past so as to boost their egos in the present. Humorless, incoherent, and ugly as sin, this Christian-friendly production is as tragic as the candle wax that resembles a glob of man jam and opens Pa Grape's eyes to the meaning of his adventure.