My Life as a (Pretend) Russian Sexbot

If there’s one thing internet chat rooms normally never run out of, it’s horny “girls” looking for a good time. Despite the intriguing names, there's always a formidable chance that self-proclaimed cyber-beauties like “CandyCane18” and “Babydoll89” aren’t barely legal. They might not even be female. In fact, they may not even be human.

According to a recent piece in the Guardian, Russian software developers recently unleashed a program called CyberLover, which roams chat rooms posing as flirtatious women, then duping users into giving them personal data—phone numbers, addresses, even sexy photos. But before you start administering human/non-human tests to all the girls who e-wink your way, remember that CyberLover has been operating in Russian chat rooms, not English ones, and its flirting skills have really only been confirmed by the claims of its already sketchy developers. Of course, it’s possible an invasion of devious, English-speaking sexbots using similar technology is just around the corner. Easy answer: don’t give out personal info to seductive strangers.

Still, the idea that a computer program could fool even the most desperate lover in cyber bed makes an online sex enthusiast wonder: is some cybersex so predictable that it could be done by a robot?

I’ll admit: some days I feel like a sexbot myself. Camping out for research in the AOL Big Flirt chat room, where online love is practiced 'Wam-bam-ty-mam!' style, it’s not hard to get cynical. After the third guy in an hour has asked “Do you swallow?” within moments of introducing himself, the repetitiveness of uninspired cybersex makes itself strangely clear. Descriptions of the same-sex acts with the same outcomes (“First I’d lick you, then I’d fuck you, then I’d cum all over your face”) pop up on the screen again and again. A girl can’t help but think: if cyberers are so uncreative, maybe they’d be happier with a machine.

I’ve mentioned before my idea to make a list of generic sex responses and see how far I could get cybering with only those lines. That way, I’d be chatting like a real computer program. I wouldn’t be the first benevolent sexbot, though. In 2004, a bored hacker released a artificial intelligence program named “Jenny18” onto the IRC community. Equipped with what her creator called a “massive dumb blond script” of over 3,800 lines, the Jenny18 sexbot was “very horny and she loves talking to horny guys.” But looking at Jenny18’s transcripts, it’s easy to see she could never pass the Turing Test. She repeats answers too often and responds nonsensically. And that just isn’t hot.

Still, inspired by my Russian brethren, I decided to head back into the AOL chat rooms and test out the idea myself. Armed with only 30 responses (see below), ranging from the harmless (“Not much. Just horny”) to the hardcore (“I’d love to take your cock deep in my throat”), I stuck it out for ten conversations with ostensibly male counterparts whose screen names alone—HardCock, BigDick4U—were enough to make me consider turning in my human skin and resigning myself to life as a computer. Each of the conversations lasted at least half an hour. Most got pretty down and dirty into the cybersex act—though some guys got excited, orgasmed early, and disappeared half way through. Classy.

Unsurprisingly, I found my lines worked 95% of the time. “Mmm” and “Oh yeah” came in handy often, as did “I’d like that” and “I’m rubbing my pussy.” No one asked me, “Are you sure you’re not a sexbot?” In every conversation though, there was at least one moment when my lines just weren’t enough. One user asked me where in New York City I lived. Another asked me whether I’d ever taken it up the ass and what specifically I liked about it. A third wanted to move the chat to webcam, and I had to explain multiple times why I wanted to stay put—without sounding like a broken record.

At least there’s still some reason to be human—however slim. Sure, bad cybersex may be discouraging—robotic even—but that shouldn’t depress us. Instead, it should show us how much better we can do. We’re people; we have creativity. Why not use it in the cyber bedroom?

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Bonnie's List of 30 Stock Sexbot Responses

Hi ;)
A/s/l?
22/f/NY
u?
not much, just horny
slim with long black hair, c cup
Do you want to cyber?
What kind of sex stuff are you into?
What do you look like?
You sound hot
How big is your cock?
Are you hard?
Are you stroking your cock?
haha
then what? mmm
oh yeah
ok
sounds hot
No, sorry
No, but I’d like to
That would feel so good
Would you fuck me?
Would you lick me?
Would you stick your tongue deep inside me?
I like to get fucked
I’d love to suck your cock
I’m rubbing my pussy
You’re making me so wet
I’m gonna cum

Click Me runs on villagevoice.com every Monday. Got a question about cybersex? Write to your friendly cyberhood sexpert Bonnie Ruberg to ask advice or share stories about sex and the internet: bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com.