Meet the Spartans

Mike Judge predicted this bullshit would happen in his dystopian satire Idiocracy, in which Americans had become so dumb that the multiplex headliner was something called Ass: just two hours of a naked, farting rump. Depressingly, he was off by about 500 years. Here and now, the writing-directing team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (see also: Date Movie, Epic Movie) water down their own blend of pop-comic diarrhea in this witless, tasteless, formless spoof of 300's homoerotic box-office warriors. So infuriatingly lazy that its leads don't even earn Mad Magazine–clever nicknames, the movie pits King Leonidas (Sean Maguire) and his chest-waxed army of 13 against pierced Persian Xerxes (Ken Davitian), stopping every 30 seconds to make random media references from 2006 through summer 2007: Heroes, Britney's vagina, Ugly Betty, Paris's vagina, Spider-Man 3, Lindsay's vagina, repeat ad nauseam. Carmen Electra proves herself a national treasure as our highest-priced whore, Kevin Sorbo makes a Herculean fool of himself, testicles are bitten, penguins defecate, the countless man-on-man gags land every time with a "gay is gross" eww response, at least six corporate products are placed—and, at its most offensive, a death cry of "Say hello to Anna Nicole." I'm moving to Europe.