By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] The average male owns 15 pairs of underwear, while the typical female has 21. (The other three genders average 25, 31, and 13, respectively.) But those figures will almost certainly rise in the coming weeks, as Sagittarians of every variety will be expanding and enhancing their approach to covering their asses. Most of you Centaurs will also be refining and evolving your attitude toward the things that touch you most intimately, as well as deepening and embellishing your relationship with the hidden aspects of the image that you present to the public eye.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Philosopher Robert Anton Wilson defined information as data and ideas that are new to you. If it's something you already know, then it's propaganda or dogma, not information. Philosopher Terence McKenna had a similar view: He used the terms "information" and "novelty" interchangeably. If you're not surprised, he said, if your curiosity isn't piqued, then the messages streaming your way don't qualify as information. I'd like you to make that your gold standard in the coming weeks, Capricorn. Be voracious for real information, and ruthlessly banish all the fake stuff that's masquerading as the real thing. You will know you're doing it right if you're never bored.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Astrologically speaking, this would be a perfect time for you to get a brain implant that would allow you to Google your own unconscious and surf the Web with your mind alone. Unfortunately, the actual technology to do that isn't available yet. But variations on this theme could soon impact you. You're primed to make innovations and play with possibilities that the rest of the world isn't ready for. My advice is to go ahead and try them anyway. People may be prodded by your pioneer spirit into helping you conjure up the fresh-from-the-future resources you need.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Many people sincerely think that they will be called before God to account for themselves on Judgment Day. If you yourself have held that belief, you can stop worrying about it. The fact is that you were essentially called before God on Judgment Day last week (though it might have happened while you were asleep and dreaming), and everything went great! You passed your test! Your score wasn't perfect, and there were some demerits in your final evaluation, but the most important thing is that you made it! There will, therefore, be no more Judgment Days for you in the future. God found you worthy, and now you can go on living your life without fear or guilt. Congrats, Pisces! You're free!
HOMEWORK What's your favorite excuse? Write it out and tape it to your mirror, then try not to say it even once during the coming week.