By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Although dolphins are among the smartest animals of the sea, they get pretty stupid when they're on dry ground. This is according to a report by the world's finest news source, The Onion: Researchers found that when bottlenose dolphins were transferred from their water-filled tanks to lab tables, they flunked 11 different tests designed to assess their cognitive skills and reasoning abilities. Let that be a lesson to you, Sagittarius, as you navigate your way through the challenges of the coming week. As much as possible, make sure you're on your home turf or in your natural habitat when you're working to solve knotty dilemmas.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] "Often the truth needs to be packed in great illusion," writes medical intuitive Caroline Myss, "to protect it from the carrier of that truth." Your job in the coming week is to chip off some of the illusion that's hiding a precious truth you're shielding yourself from. You're getting closer to being able to handle the whole truth, but you're not completely ready yet. That's why I suggest you preserve a bit of the protective illusion as a buffer. The dramatic revelation will best occur in stages.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] A century ago, human life expectancy was 47, the speed limit on most roads was 10 mph, and the average wage was 22 cents an hour. Only one out of six homes had a bathtub, while one out of 10 had a phone. Women washed their hair once a month, often using egg yolks for shampoo. Coca-Cola contained cocaine. I predict that between now and 2028, life on earth will change as dramatically as it did in the last 100 years, and no other sign of the zodiac will be better positioned than you Aquarians to thrive on the transformations. What can you do to fully capitalize on your natural advantage? Create a 10-year master plan and a 20-year master plan, envisioning what you'd like to be doing in 2018 and 2028. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to write out these documents.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] In the coming week, you should try to experience—or at least visualize—scenes like the following: an apple pierced by an arrow that's lying on a bridge near a half-crumpled Valentine card; wind rattling through an old tree in such a way that you hallucinate an angel perched in its branches; an accordion floating down a stream trailed by two quacking ducks; a stranger who's simultaneously crying and laughing in a café while writing frenetically on white paper napkins. And why is it important to commune with scenes like these? Because they will energize your soul in ways you can't rationally understand. They will remind you that deeply meaningful events can be utterly mysterious.
HOMEWORK Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to make nonsense noises for at least two minutes straight every day this week.