How Do I Dump a Submissive Who Does My Dishes and Gives Me Blowjobs?

Weekly sex advice from Dan Savage

And Scalise (stevescalise.com) may be the worst of the lot. He pushed through an anti-gay-marriage-and-civil-union amendment a few years back, and he's really playing up his fag-bashing, fetus-and-gun-lovin,' anti-immigrant cred in his campaign ads. My question is: What can I do to help derail this train? I think you deserve a lot of credit for helping unseat Rick Santorum, and I'd love to see what's showing up in Kandiss Crone's mailbox right about now. But I don't have a legion of readers to mobilize. As unappetizing as it sounds, I'd be willing to give Scalise a sacrifice blowjob if I thought we could trap him in a men's-room tryst, à la Larry Craig. Short of that, though, any ideas about what one concerned citizen can do to help stop this creep? —Please Unseat Steve Scalise Yesterday

A: Whereas a great many gay-bashing Republicans have turned out to be closeted homos (Craig, Haggard, Allen, Murphy, et al.), and whereas spreading rumors of homosexuality is an old Karl Rove trick that has been used to derail many a political career (see "Richards, Ann"), and whereas this Scalise person is a Republican homophobe, and whereas turnabout is fair play, PUSSY, be it resolved that you don't have to give Scalise that sacrifice blowjob. All you have to do is claim to have blown this Scalise person—or, more believably, to have been blown by this Scalise person, as all closeted Republicans are oral bottoms. Since gay sex is no longer illegal (thank you, Lawrence v. Texas), I'm not sure if it's libel or defamation or anything if you run around claiming you blew this guy. But I could be wrong, PUSSY, so please check with your lawyer before you register www.SteveScaliseSuckedMyDick.com.

Oh, and speaking of Kandiss Crone, lots of Savage Love readers wrote to the Jackson, Mississippi, teeveenewz reporter about her idiotic, sex-phobic "sting" of a sex-toy shop, and many were kind enough to CC me. In other sex-toys news, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit ruled last week that Texas's ban on sex toys was unconstitutional. (The ruling cited Lawrence v. Texas, a gift that just keeps on giving.) And since Mississippi is under the Fifth Circuit's jurisdiction, it would seem that sex toys—even three-dimensional, vibrating ones—are now legal in Jackson, Mississippi. Someone alert Kandiss, please? Kandiss@wlbt.net.

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