How Do I Dump a Submissive Who Does My Dishes and Gives Me Blowjobs?

Weekly sex advice from Dan Savage

Q: At first glance, I am the guy your mother wants you to marry: successful, sweet, clean-shaven. Below the surface, I am the guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue, tattoos, a ton of kinks. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who wanted to be a sex slave. We talked about relationship expectations, and because of a few deal-breakers—she is older than me, she has kids from a past marriage, our career goals differ—we said that this wasn't going anywhere beyond a temporary fling. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week, puts on lingerie, blows me, does my dishes, blows me, gets tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty laundry, blows me again, and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy with the situation.

Now I have met a great woman whom I like, and am looking to start a "normal" relationship with (read: still hot kinky sex, just no need for her to crawl on all fours when she enters my house, as fun as that is to watch). She has been hurt before and wants to spend a long time "getting to know each other" before we move toward anything physical. We have both acknowledged that we are interested in pursuing a relationship, just not yet. Given my situation, i.e., all those blowjobs from the submissive, I have no problems waiting as long as girlfriend material wants before we start something physical.

My question is on dom/sub slave etiquette. Assuming that things with this new woman work out, at what point should I break up with my sub? Should I tell her about the other woman? Should I tell her in advance we are ending ("Your next visit will be our last"), or should I just ask her to come over and break up then ("We both knew this was only going to last so long")? Do I help her find a new dom? This isn't a regular breakup, so I'm not really sure how to do it. My sub loves to serve, so would it be cheating on my next girlfriend if I let her keep doing domestic tasks for me, but nothing sexual? Should I tell my next girlfriend that I had a sex slave for a while? —Deciding On Method

A: Hmm. My mother never warned me about guys with piercings, tattoos, or kinks. My mother did, however, warn me about guys who think a hidden tattoo or a discreet piercing somehow makes them more interesting than they actually are. "Those guys are always douchebags," my mother used to say. Still does. But, hey, my mom isn't the guest expert you need.

"The fact that you're having a dominant/submissive relationship with this older woman is immaterial," says Mistress Matisse, a pro dom, expert flogger, and prolific blogger (mistressmatisse.blogspot.com). "It's an intimate sexual relationship, so forget d/s in your handling of this. It's clear that you'd be happy to continue on with them both, at least for a while, so the question is more polyamory skills than BDSM etiquette."

So what does Matisse think you should do? "Tell both women exactly what's going on, immediately," Matisse continues. "Your girlfriend-to-be wants to get to know you? Well, if she can't handle the fact that you've been having a d/s relationship, you better find that out now. Her response will certainly give you a clue as to how kinky your future sex life with her might be. But full disclosure, pronto, is best. Anyone who has been 'hurt before' is apt to be touchy about discovering perceived dishonesty down the road." And what about your sub? "Your submissive is also deserving of your honesty," says Matisse. "She may decide she wants to end your relationship, or she may be willing to continue in a nonsexual arrangement if that's offered her. If you are extremely lucky, your submissive and your GF-to-be may decide they can co-exist in some fashion, at least for now. God knows I've dated men who really needed someone to pick up after them, and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it."

And how does one properly break up with a submissive, if it comes to that?

"Make a date with your submissive and respectfully inform her that you are ending the relationship," says Matisse. "Wish her well and say goodbye—no last blowjobs for the road. And do not offer to find her a new dominant—trust me, she'll have no trouble at all finding another dominant to accept an arrangement like the one you've described."

Q: I'm trying to figure out how to do a "Santorum" down here in New Orleans, where a repulsive state senator named Steve Scalise is making a bid for the U.S. House. The most recent occupants of this particular seat are Bobby Jindal, who was just sworn in as our new Republican governor, and David Vitter, now better known as the diaper-wearing, hooker-lovin' U.S. sinator. So historically, the First District is a pretty good stepping-stone for ambitious homophobes.

And Scalise (stevescalise.com) may be the worst of the lot. He pushed through an anti-gay-marriage-and-civil-union amendment a few years back, and he's really playing up his fag-bashing, fetus-and-gun-lovin,' anti-immigrant cred in his campaign ads. My question is: What can I do to help derail this train? I think you deserve a lot of credit for helping unseat Rick Santorum, and I'd love to see what's showing up in Kandiss Crone's mailbox right about now. But I don't have a legion of readers to mobilize. As unappetizing as it sounds, I'd be willing to give Scalise a sacrifice blowjob if I thought we could trap him in a men's-room tryst, à la Larry Craig. Short of that, though, any ideas about what one concerned citizen can do to help stop this creep? —Please Unseat Steve Scalise Yesterday

A: Whereas a great many gay-bashing Republicans have turned out to be closeted homos (Craig, Haggard, Allen, Murphy, et al.), and whereas spreading rumors of homosexuality is an old Karl Rove trick that has been used to derail many a political career (see "Richards, Ann"), and whereas this Scalise person is a Republican homophobe, and whereas turnabout is fair play, PUSSY, be it resolved that you don't have to give Scalise that sacrifice blowjob. All you have to do is claim to have blown this Scalise person—or, more believably, to have been blown by this Scalise person, as all closeted Republicans are oral bottoms. Since gay sex is no longer illegal (thank you, Lawrence v. Texas), I'm not sure if it's libel or defamation or anything if you run around claiming you blew this guy. But I could be wrong, PUSSY, so please check with your lawyer before you register www.SteveScaliseSuckedMyDick.com.

Oh, and speaking of Kandiss Crone, lots of Savage Love readers wrote to the Jackson, Mississippi, teeveenewz reporter about her idiotic, sex-phobic "sting" of a sex-toy shop, and many were kind enough to CC me. In other sex-toys news, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit ruled last week that Texas's ban on sex toys was unconstitutional. (The ruling cited Lawrence v. Texas, a gift that just keeps on giving.) And since Mississippi is under the Fifth Circuit's jurisdiction, it would seem that sex toys—even three-dimensional, vibrating ones—are now legal in Jackson, Mississippi. Someone alert Kandiss, please? Kandiss@wlbt.net.

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