By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Lots of sex: That's the Truth and the Way for you right now, Sagittarius. It's the only sure method for enhancing your intelligence, increasing your income, and bringing you closer to your spiritual sources. I suggest you embark on a nonstop immersion in erotic experiments, stopping only occasionally to sleep and eat. APRIL FOOL! There's a crucial caveat to what I just said: Make sure the sex is blended with dramatic doses of tenderness, love, and compassion. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting your time.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Right-wing operative and commentator William Kristol applauded President Bush's decision to nix better health-insurance coverage for kids. "Whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it's a good idea," he said on Fox News. "I'm happy that the president's willing to do something bad for the kids." In the coming week, Capricorn, you should adopt Kristol's attitude. APRIL FOOL! It's true that the demands of innocent young things and sprouting naïve types might inconvenience you. But I urge you to do the opposite of what Kristol advocates: It's in your long-term interests to be of eager service to whatever's unripe and unspoiled and growing fast.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] After mining operations stripped away the plant life on China's Laoshou Mountain, the Bureau of Forestry hired workers to literally paint the bare surface of the whole thing green. You should take a similar approach to tidying up after your own recent "mining operation." APRIL FOOL! I was kidding. What I really meant is that you should do the metaphorical equivalent of planting a lot of trees and bushes to compensate for the consequences of your "mining operation." Don't be satisfied with merely cosmetic fixes.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] You need more mayonnaise in your life. The omens suggest that you should use it as a condiment with every meal, and even add it to smoothies and cocktails. To place yourself in maximum alignment with cosmic rhythms, make mayonnaise a part of your skin-care regimen, try it out as a brass polisher, and employ it to spice up your sex life. APRIL FOOL! You didn't seriously believe the planetary aspects are suggesting that you should obsess on mayonnaise, did you? You do need a new spirit medicine, but it's not made from chicken eggs. Now here's your real horoscope, courtesy of philosopher Jonathan Zap: "Find your spirit medicine. And remember that what works for someone else, may not work for you (and vice-versa). Also what works for you when used consciously, sparingly, in just right the circumstances, might be disastrous as a habit."