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Q. Currently I'm immensely enjoying cyber sex via voice chat. My partner is very good at describing his actions and what he is doing/wants/loves to do to me or wants me to do to him. The problem lies with me. I have these sexy scenarios in my head, but I can't seem to verbalize myself at the right moment. I have written something and read it to him, but I can't seem to spontaneously do anything but respond to what he is sayingand that half-assed, so to speak. Part of it is the fact that so much of the sex vernacular is off-turning. And I don't know much of it to boot, I guess. I'm just at a complete loss how to begin to be a better sex partner for my online-sweetie. I mean, after all, how long can moaning and groaning and gasping only on my part keep a guy interested? Tongue-Tied or Uptight?
A. Dont worry, Tongue-Tied, youre not uptight: you have cold feet, not cold loins. If youre not used to doing it, dirty talk can be hard to get into for even the most libidinously endowed among us. Usually its not because we dont have sexy things to say, its because were embarrassed to say them. First off, let your online partner know youre having a lot of fun with himyou just need time to get up to speed. Then, for an expanded vocabulary, pick up a book of erotic short stories, like Best Womens Erotica 2008. Once you feel more comfortable with sexy language, practice with some dirty-talk masturbation. Think of a situation that turns you on, hit record on a computer audio program, and blabber away. You might be surprised what comes outand you can send the recordings to your partner to get him even more excited about the fun youll have with your newfound dirty mouth.
Q. I have a very unusual question. After years of being bored with cybersex, I've recently begun visiting a MUSH [a text-based virtual world] dedicated to a very peculiar set of interests, and I've found one role-playing partner there who I enjoy very much for her enthusiasm. A few nights ago she mildly annoyed me by trying to seduce me away from another partner I was engaged with; at the time I joked with her that I would 'punish' her for it. My problem is, now she wants me to punish her. I haven't any experience with BDSM in real life, and I'm very intimidated by the idea of attempting it in text. How do I make being tied up feel sexy when there are no actual restraints? Neither of us are crazy about pain, but she wants to try spanking; I draw a blank when I try and think of good words to describe these things. I don't even know which parts of them I'm supposed to focus on. It's new territory for her too, and we've spent some time trying to talk about what might go into a scene, but I feel that if I can't go into it confidently and take control, I'll suck all the excitement out of it for her. Hesitating with the Handcuffs
A. Whether you do it in a full-blown BDSM dungeon or a barren chat room, dominance is all about role-playing. If this is something you want to try, then think of it like improv theater. Take on the character of someone in control, and let that show in your language. No, youre never going to actually hurt your partner. No, you cant actually tie her down. However, by confidently telling her what to do, you can make her feel like shes being strained. More important than describing the moment when your hand smacks into her backside is making the most of that theatrical energy. You might not be into causing pain in real life, but that shouldnt stop you from having a good time shouting, Get down on the floor so I can hit you, you naughty bitch!
Q. I appreciate your column, and perhaps this is too practical a question for a columnist such as yourself, but I was wondering if you had any tips on locations within Second Life to find literate, creative individuals for cybering. I'm fairly new to the whole Second Life scene, and I'm particularly interested in the possibilities for role-play. However, I haven't really been able to find anyone particularly interesting. Most just want to hump my avatar sans dialogue. . . Picky at Poking
A. I totally hear your frustration, Picky. If I just wanted to see two bodies rubbing up against each other, they certainly wouldnt be Second Life avatars. Some days it seems like no one in-world can form a coherent sentence. But those are the days you have to look harder. If you want to jump in head-first, Ive found two Second Life communities that are particularly good at expressing themselves during role-playing: furries and BDSMers. To find the first, I recommend you check out a place called Luskwood. As for the second, Ive had luck at Bondage Ranch. In general though, the quality of any Second Life sex experience goes up dramatically if you show a little patience. Walk up to a stranger in a club and blurt out, Wanna fuck? and youre likely to end up riding a loser who cant spell nipple. Strike up a funny, intelligent conversation though, and you may find yourself gradually flirting your way into the pants of a much more skilled partner.
Previously in Click Me: Can Online Sex Heal Emotional Trauma?
Click Me runs on villagevoice.com on Mondays. Got a question about cybersex? Write to your friendly cyberhood sexpert Bonnie Ruberg to ask advice or to share stories about sex and the internet: bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com.