By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Farmers in Morocco can earn 40 times more money by growing marijuana instead of avocados or tomatoes. Meanwhile, my friend René brings in 10 times the salary she used to make as a secretary by working as a stripper at a nightclub. That means she can devote less time to earning a living and has more time to do what she loves, which is playing music. I expect that you've received or will soon receive a comparable opportunity or temptation, Sagittarius. I'm not sure what the morally correct action will be, but I do urge you to try to put your long-term interests above your short-term interests.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] When the first George Bush ran for U.S. president in 1988, he worried that he and his wife Barbara appeared less affectionate in public than their opponents, Michael and Kitty Dukakis. "Sweetsie," he wrote to her, "Look at how Mike and Kitty do it. Try to be closer in, more romantic on camera. I am practicing the loving look, and the creeping hand. Yours for better TV and more demonstrable affection. Your sweetie-pie-coo-coo." Though my moral principles make it tough to ask you to imitate any president named Bush, it's my astrological duty to do that, at least in this one matter. Your Love Quotient has got to go way, way up. So, please: Practice the loving look and the creeping hand—and find an excuse to call someone "sweetie-pie-coo-coo."
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] How do I come up with your forecasts? First, I meditate on the chart of the current astrological configurations. Then I say this prayer to the higher powers: "Please help me tune into the message that is most important for Aquarians to hear." After that, I close my eyes and release my creative mind into the tidal swells of the collective unconscious, suggesting that it find an image or phrase or story that captures the essence of the next step you need to take. Right now, for instance, I'm getting a vision of you not relying on me, but rather exercising the initiative to hunt down the question that's most important for you to ask right now.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Rumor has it that you are overflowing with so many fresh, hot ideas that you can't use them fast enough. So why not give some away? Like, for instance, donate a few to me. I'll be glad to take them off your hands and find a decent home for them. If I use your brilliant notions to make lots of money, I may even give you a kickback. So don't let your surplus of brainstorms bog you down, Pisces. Send your excess to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. (PS: In case you can't tell, I'm joking. In fact, I'd love it if you kept all your smart ideas for yourself, and worked expeditiously to turn every one of them into some practical improvement in your life.)
HOMEWORK What part of the past are you still enslaved to? What can you do to free yourself? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.