Elton John Cries His Way to the Bank

Open bars, closed bars, quickies on Broadway (See also these blind items)

You've been such a lovely audience, I want to reward you with some salacious blind gossip items on a plate with a garni of bitters and a side order of mystery meat. Unfortunately, I'll have to simultaneously punish you by not giving out the answers. Sorry, but I always hurt the ones I love. And so:

Which recently dead, supposedly straight movie actor did it with that then-handsome Broadway restaurant owner years ago? What hyper-quirky stage actor (who's also known for movies and TV) does lots of coke and has sex in club bathrooms when the boyfriend's at home? What gay doesn't? What fashion-magazine editor—no, not the obvious one—still has no idea how to use the Internet? (She has to have e-mails read aloud to her and then dictates the reply.) What current anchor is said to have been lesbian lovers with that unhinged late anchor, according to ancient legend? Which drag queen claims to be rehabilitated, but she ain't in any way, shape, or form, honey? Which female rocker best known from the '70s and '80s recently got so plowed she blew chunks all over a nightclub? Want to buy the puke on eBay?

Which star who went from Hollywood hotshot to joke to rebounding talent has an impressively large member to go with his award? (Glad it's not four and a half inches—I am the type who suffers from some tiny little prick.) What longtime r&b singer was spotted in Harlem, where she told a fan who accosted her: "If you ain't the crack man, don't come near me!"? Why did he keep coming near her? What writer is known to creepily stare a little too fascinatedly at the racks of his stepchildren? Which gay weekly is planning a cover story on Marc Jacobs's new boyfriend, and it hopefully won't propel him into nightmarehood like the last one? Which legendary actor's bisexual father is murmured to have died of AIDS, not of "cancer," as the family officially reported?

Which scandal-ridden ex–TV personality would have gotten a gay record deal, but he wouldn't come out of the closet? Shouldn't someone say, "Who do you think you are?" Which star who denies being gay used to give so-so head and has a penis that's even less than four and a half inches? What famous grandson is so delightfully kinky he recently lodged M&Ms up his butt, turning his hole into a veritable McFlurry of sexual delight? (Alas, they melted before they could be of any use.) About which talk-show host's supposed girlfriend was Rosie O'Donnell heard to say: "Look at her nails! She could never be a lesbian with those nails!"? And that's the end of the 15-minute open bar of bottom-shelf novelty liquor, folks. Go home!

A Note From The Author, 04/07/08

I'm back from my vacation—and they were six of the longest blocks I've ever traversed. Back at my desk, I'm cranking out a steady stream of delectable blog items. So while there's no new column this week, there IS "La Daily Musto," which you can access with a single digital spasm. Enjoy!

musto@villagevoice.com

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