Trapped in Wedding Hell

A soiree that exists only to give you the business on your wedding day

I'm thinking I'll just have one more Hpnotiq and call it a day, but then I glance upwards and see there's a balcony brimming with more dresses, plus makeup artists, DJs, and a passel of other stuff. So up I go and am riveted by a video showing a clearly inebriated bride having her garter removed by the groom's teeth. (I want to run for shelter into a photo booth.) Next to this disturbing piece of cinema is a stand flaunting the Strapless G-String, a product that promises to "mold to your figure and become invisible under form-fitting clothing." The woman behind the counter is showing a hapless mother of the bride how you put this thing on, thankfully demonstrating on the lady's wrist.

I talk to someone helping out at the booth who turns out to be the inventor's mother. Mom describes the genesis of this product: It all began when her daughter was required to don a bridesmaid dress so tight, so sheer, so emphatically slutty that anything you put under it was completely visible. "Spandex showed," she says. "A G-string showed." Finally, her enterprising daughter cut up a pair of panties, and the strapless G-string was born. "And I'm wearing a pair right now," Mom confesses.

Well, I'm not. And my Kmart bloomers are feeling just a teensy bit snug from all the foie gras and mini-pastries I've been shoveling. I'm not done yet: There are more free samples at the M&M/My Dove table, where you can personalize your desserts. The M&Ms have space only for the name of the couple and their wedding date, but the Doves are a different story. "You can get 51 characters and it can say whatever you want," one of the reps explains to me.

Whatever you want? Oh, tell me, tell me: What wildly inappropriate messages have people asked for? Anything you refused to print? Come on, tell! Pretty please with a Styrofoam rose-petal-covered finial on top?

No dice. All the Dove people will give me is a couple of bromides on the order of "If only all blind dates ended like ours." So I try my hand at it, and guess what? "A disaster!! But too late to get the deposit back!!" has exactly 51 characters.

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