Trapped in Wedding Hell

A soiree that exists only to give you the business on your wedding day

I'm thinking I'll just have one more Hpnotiq and call it a day, but then I glance upwards and see there's a balcony brimming with more dresses, plus makeup artists, DJs, and a passel of other stuff. So up I go and am riveted by a video showing a clearly inebriated bride having her garter removed by the groom's teeth. (I want to run for shelter into a photo booth.) Next to this disturbing piece of cinema is a stand flaunting the Strapless G-String, a product that promises to "mold to your figure and become invisible under form-fitting clothing." The woman behind the counter is showing a hapless mother of the bride how you put this thing on, thankfully demonstrating on the lady's wrist.

I talk to someone helping out at the booth who turns out to be the inventor's mother. Mom describes the genesis of this product: It all began when her daughter was required to don a bridesmaid dress so tight, so sheer, so emphatically slutty that anything you put under it was completely visible. "Spandex showed," she says. "A G-string showed." Finally, her enterprising daughter cut up a pair of panties, and the strapless G-string was born. "And I'm wearing a pair right now," Mom confesses.

Well, I'm not. And my Kmart bloomers are feeling just a teensy bit snug from all the foie gras and mini-pastries I've been shoveling. I'm not done yet: There are more free samples at the M&M/My Dove table, where you can personalize your desserts. The M&Ms have space only for the name of the couple and their wedding date, but the Doves are a different story. "You can get 51 characters and it can say whatever you want," one of the reps explains to me.

Gown syndrome
Liesl Henrichsen Photography
Gown syndrome

Whatever you want? Oh, tell me, tell me: What wildly inappropriate messages have people asked for? Anything you refused to print? Come on, tell! Pretty please with a Styrofoam rose-petal-covered finial on top?

No dice. All the Dove people will give me is a couple of bromides on the order of "If only all blind dates ended like ours." So I try my hand at it, and guess what? "A disaster!! But too late to get the deposit back!!" has exactly 51 characters.

« Previous Page