By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
Q. I'm a 52-year-old male, divorced for the past eight years. I recently broke off a five-year relationship with a woman two years my senior. About six weeks ago, a new female worker started in our office. We're really hitting it off, and, frankly, I've fallen for her—hard! However, she is 36, never married, and I have not asked her out yet, though I definitely want to. In fact, I want to marry her. Some of my co-workers think I'm "robbing the cradle" in this situation. Given that we have two possible barriers to overcome—age and work situation—what do you advise? Go ahead slowly or full steam ahead? —Geezer In Love
A. I would advise you to stop wasting my time, GIL. You've known this woman for six weeks—six weeks—and you haven't so much as been out on a date with her yet. It's not even appropriate to joke about marriage at this stage—marriage, GIL, which is so totally holy and sacred and between one man and one woman and wocka wocka wocka. And it's entirely possible that you've mistaken this woman's efforts to ingratiate herself with her new officemates as "hitting it off." For all you know, this woman, like your co-workers, thinks you're a creepy old lech, GIL.
And speaking of the so totally holy and super-sacred institution of marriage . . .
When two dudes get married, the marriage-is-between-one-man-and-one-woman brigades crap their collective pants, vomit up 10,000 press releases, and run in circles screaming about all the hurricanes and earthquakes and unattractive haircuts that Our Loving Father is gonna rain down on our heads if we don't pry Adam off Steve right fucking now.
Well, the one-man-and-one-woman crowd has been strangely silent about this polygamist sect all over the news. It appears that the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has been organizing marriages/statutory rapes between one man and dozens or more women and/or girls. "Where's the outrage?" writes a reader, which prompted me to go looking for some outrage at the reliably outraged website of Concerned Women for America (cwfa.org). There are more anti-gay-marriage press releases packed onto CWFA's website than there is fudge packed into all the homos in all the Sodoms in all of North America. But there's not one single word that I could find about these straight men in Texas violating the holy and sacred one-man-and-one-woman rule. What gives?
Q. This is a super-vanilla question, but I thought I'd give it a go: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have been living together for nine months. He is very considerate, does housework, throws me birthday parties, and hangs out with my friends. The problem is that I think that it's very important to get married if you love someone and want to make a life with that person. He feels as though we haven't known each other long enough. He never talks about "when we're married," but he does talk about things in the future. He wants to buy a house, for instance, but I've told him I will not move into said house without being married. His complete lack of consideration for my views on marriage makes me think that it will never happen. What should I do? (P.S.: Sorry I don't have any pics of his tush; it's a good one!) —Bare Ring Finger
Hold your ground, BRF. If he wants to buy a house and plan a future with you, tell him you're down with that—so long as you're married to him. If he doesn't want to marry you, tell him he'll have to do all that future crap with someone else. But here's the catch, BRF: You gotta mean it.
Q. I struck up a couple of casual convos about a little kink with my girlfriend. She seemed into it at first. Then I brought it up a couple more times. She said things like, "I just like sex without all the drama and charades." Then I brought it up again later and the discussion devolved into an argument.
I had an almost identical convo with a previous girlfriend. It ended with her turning me down, saying something like, "It just seems so distracting." I've never asked a girl for anything too odd. In fact, I've seldom gotten very far into any specifics, other than just saying I'd like to try some things out to see if they're fun. All my girlfriends, despite being quite fuck-happy, have blown me off repeatedly when it comes to role-play, light bondage, and other pretty mainstream kinks.
I feel hurt because I haven't been able to freely and openly explore my sexuality. I just want to explore more with somebody and have fun. How should I approach things differently? —No Kink at Twenty-Eight
Provided you're not coming across like Eliot Spitzer doing a press conference—provided you don't look and sound like a serial killer who just got caught with a suitcase full of women's skins—all you have to do differently, NKATE, is make sure the girlfriend understands that drama and charades are requirements, not requests. Tell her that, being a decent sort, you would like to explore your run-of-the-mill kinks with your girlfriend. If she isn't willing to explore with you, well, then she's the wrong girlfriend for you and you're the wrong boyfriend for her. Shake hands and say good-bye. Then keep having these convos with the women you date until you run across a girl who shares your kinks or is GGG enough to indulge them.