I'd Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With My Girlfriend. Yup.

Dear Dan:

I'm a straight male and I love my fiancée. She's perfect. But while I am physically attracted to her, I find myself masturbating rather than having sex with her. She knows, but we don't talk about it—we can't—and recently she walked in on me, and it was very awkward. I put it away and she pretended she didn't see.

At first I just assumed I was masturbating because I was prone to romantic "dry spells" and was used to taking care of things myself. But at this point, she's sleeping in the other room and I'm quietly jerking it, knowing that I could have her. We don't have sex much and I think it's hurting our relationship.

Right-Handed Man

If you and the fiancée are too embarrassed, immature, or ashamed to discuss the state of your sex lives—your preference for your right hand, your lack of a strong sexual connection, what she saw and when she saw it—then you're not ready for marriage, RHM. Period. If you can't communicate openly and successfully about sex now, when you're merely engaged, you're going to find these issues impossible to confront after marriage permanently raises the stakes. All you risk now is a relatively uncomplicated, if emotionally traumatic, end to an engagement. After marriage, you're both going to be acutely aware that a Big Talk about your sex life carries the risk of a big, messy, humiliating divorce.

Oh, and speaking of poor communication skills: I couldn't help but notice that you neglected to ask me a single question. You gave me the facts—you could have her, but you're jerkin' it; she's aware of it, but you don't talk about it—but you didn't ask for help, advice, or anything at all. So I'm guessing that you're the one with communication issues here, RHM, not your fiancée.

And what's with the passive voice? You "find [yourself] masturbating." How does that work exactly? You jump into a time machine, travel to your bathroom an hour in the future, and discover your future self jerking it? Sorry, RHM, but masturbation isn't something that happens to you—it's not a tax audit or a flat tire or a meteor strike. It's something you decide to do.

And here's why you're deciding to masturbate when you could be banging away at the fiancée: You're an insecure bag of slop. When you masturbate, RHM, you're in total control. You can fantasize about whatever you like and, just as importantly, you don't have to take any responsibility for your partner's pleasure, nor do you have to risk failure. Masturbation allows you to have orgasms free of any performance anxiety—after all, only schizophrenics experience performance anxiety when they jerk it.

Here's what you need to do, RHM: First step, admit you have a problem—not to me, to her. Then refrain from masturbating. Just don't do it. Refrain from beating off until you've broken your dysfunctional jerk-and-regret cycle, commit to only having orgasms in her presence, and initiate long, open-ended conversations about your turn-ons, her turn-ons, your sexual expectations, her sexual expectations.

Masturbation will, of course, be part of your adult married life. All men masturbate—single, dating, married, divorced—but a man who prefers masturbation over sex at all times isn't husband material, RHM; he's ex-husband material.

Dear Dan:

I am 28, female, and bi. My fiancé is 36, male, and straight. Before we got together, I was notorious for FFM threesomes and occasionally sleeping with my female friends. He made it clear that being with him meant no more sex with other women. "Cheating is cheating," he says, and he's not into threesomes. It's a long-term, nonnegotiable deal breaker for him.

But recently, while traveling, I met up with an old female "friend." The sexual chemistry was still strong. We got a little drunk, kissed, cuddled, and slept in the same bed. I didn't mention it to my fiancé because I felt like it wasn't really a big deal. Now I'm not so sure. Throughout our relationship, I've satisfied my desires for women with lesbian/bi erotica and masturbation, and I've been fine with that. But now I'm having sexual dreams about this girl and waking up feeling horny and guilty. It's been three years since I had sex with a woman, and I miss it. Should I talk to my fiancé about this before the wedding?

Bi Bi Bridie

Oh, for crying out loud. Yes, you should talk to him about this before the wedding. Talk about your bisexuality, his irrational ultimatums, the fact that you've already come this close (picture me holding my thumb and index finger a clit's width apart) to cheating on him already—address all this shit before you two dumbfucks get married.

I'm sorry for flying off the handle, BBB, but I debated an antigay ranter on CNN last week after the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples had a constitutional right to marry. The hater—Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council—insisted that high rates of heterosexual divorce are proof that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry. I'm not sure how that works exactly. Back to you, BBB: Before you marry this man, you need to hammer out an agreement, something you both can live with—and you can't live without pussy. An accommodation has to be made or you will ultimately cheat on this man, and then your entirely predictable divorce will be held up by douchebags like Tony Perkins as proof that my boyfriend and I shouldn't be allowed to marry.
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22 comments
Toddfichette
Toddfichette

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kimboslice_321
kimboslice_321

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 2 yrs.

We've known each other for over 15 yrs as friends, so I know what a type of person he is (wat he likes & dislikes)

Before we got together I know that he loves watching porn in the morning & @ night before he goes to sleep.He likes to jerk off every night & in the morning.

As a friend I I was cool with that cos I thght it was a normal thing for a guy to do, knowing that he hasn't had a girlfriend for the last 2 yrs & was in a dry spell.

when we first got together our sex life was very active & I would also join in in watching porn, cos I know he likes to watch it.

After 2 yrs being together & having a 7 month old infant, I know we're both tired & worned out everyday due to the little one.

But I still try to make time every night to get intimate with my partner.

As time goes on, I noticed he started to not look at my body when I'm on top of him & started to touch my body less each time.

He wld steer his hands away frm where I have stretch marks on my body.

I showed him a pic of a lady with excessive stretch marks on her belly & asked him what does he think?...He was so grosed out & told me her stretch marks look like it was frm a horror movie, I was quite saddened by this as I too have excessive stretched marks on my stomache & other parts of my body due to having a child.

I then asked him, r u grosed out by my stretch marks too? He replied No...yours is not as extensive as hers.

Recently I noticed now that when we go out together, he would ogle @ other women, there's this one incident where he got embarrassed cos I busted him while oggling, he bumped his trolley into another man's trolley while perving.

I punched his arm & told him, thats what u get for perving.

Our sex life used to be 6x a week now its probly only 1-2× a week with the lights off, his starting to to

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svetlanaoksana20

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ryansumpter
ryansumpter

Hey Dan,I have read your article on "I'd Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With My Girlfriend. Yup." I found that a most of everything I had read was pretty much how I am. I am straight obviously, but I do know know what to do. I have talked to my fiance about it and she still doesn't understand, I feel bad because she wants to have sex often and I don't want to have sex at all. I love her and would do anything for her but I just don't want to have sex anymore. When we first met, within the first month we would have sex usually 2 times a day but now I just feel that it is blan or the spark for sex is gone. We have tried different things together and still. 

I find that watching porn is a lot more satisfying then having sex and I hate it. I stopped watching porn and masturbating for a month know and still don't know what to do. 

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oboloospelltemple

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will.ganness
will.ganness

TO the first guy  - ignore DAN. Its perfectly OK to prefer masturbation. After you've had sex with a woman several times - its natural to loose interest. You still love her. But its work. You have to find a woman that isnt insecure about this. Almost all men hide and do this. Its related to the Coolidge Effect. Our BS feminist agenda calls it Erectile Dysfunction when you cannot have sex with a woman. Its a necessary part of our biology not to want to have sex with the same woman over and over.

denisekastner1
denisekastner1

It isn't really the sex that I miss. It is the intimacy. Just as men, women can achieve their climax usually faster with masturbation. It is the feeling that I am loved, that I carve. What do you think? I have never cheated in 26 years. (my first husband cheated on me several times.) I am now considering finding companionship/sex with someone else. If my needs were met elsewhere then our marriage would be tolerable. Normally, I would be against this choice but it has been 26 years! Years ago I asked him if it would be OK for me to have a lover to meet the needs that he refused to meet. He was adamant: NO! He has watched me curled in a fetal position SOBBING over our situation but nothing changed. How much more do I "owe" him? I have already given up 26 years of my life without a regular sex life. I have caught him masturbating many times. He looks at me sheepishly but even when I suggest he "continue" with me in the bedroom, (once he did) suddenly the TV program that's on, is riveting. He usually writes or says, " I love you with all of my heart." I don't believe him. Maybe if he were more honest and wrote and said, " I love you with all of my heart; just not sexually" I could bear it. I am 61 but look and act MUCH younger. Do I wait until I am 81 without a CHANCE of finding a loving sex life? Yes, I did leave him for six months. I missed him terribly. We married in 1988 and this was in 1991. Today, I don't think I would miss him at all. At the time he acted indifferent about my leaving. Years later he told me that he was "devastated." When I replied," You certainly didn't show it" he answered that men don't show when they are hurting. Well, I am the one who is hurting and he is well aware of that. Admittedly, we had 20 years to make this right. For the last six, hateful words have been exchanged and feelings have been deeply hurt. I don't believe after all of this damage (even if he wanted to) we could have sex, together, without becoming sick. The last time we had sex was in October, just after a huge blow up where I had everything arranged to move, just short of the U Haul backing up to the front door. Then he wanted me to go to "Adult stores" and order from Adam & Eve. It lasted about 2 weeks. Now he uses the videos "WE" bought to masturbate! Brokenhearted, Zoey.


denisekastner1
denisekastner1

For woman who are also suffering the lack of affection and sex, I completely understand. (2nd marriage) He couldn't keep his hands off of me prior to marriage. The DAY we married he changed. We did not have sex on our wedding night and it continued to get less and less and less to nonexistent. I feel I wasted half of my 30's, all of my 40's and 50's, waiting for him to "change." He always had some BS excuse. The fact is: He would rather masturbate than have sex. I took my vows seriously and I have never cheated. Now, that I have lost my beauty, I wish I would have. ( I am 61) When we married I weighed 105 pounds, wore a size 5-7 and I am 5"2'. I don't want to sound as if I am bragging but I turned men's heads when I walked in to a room. I worked as a respiratory therapist at a hospital and it was general knowledge that I was "hot." Even my divorce attorney HIT ON ME! I could have married almost anyone after my divorce from my 1st husband of 16 years.

He was literally PERFECT when we met and before we married, in every way. My self esteem is non existent. I have even thought of suicide I feel so ugly and unwanted. Our therapist's ( a man) mouth dropped to the floor when I told him how I would initiate and he said," How about a rain check" or I don't want to get carpet burns on my knees. (Use your imagination.) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.. He is selfish in other ways as well. He really performed an academy winning performance for the 14 months we dated prior to marriage. He should have married his left hand.

I am not bitter that I have allowed my entire life to slip through my fingers. I am incredibly heartbroken.

envytheirgreed
envytheirgreed

Hi Dan!

I have a similar situation. My boyfriend has told me before (like many others have heard) that it's easier to masturbate than to have sex, but he has also told me numerous times that he "prefers to fap while I'm sleeping", as in the same room. Now I'm not really sure if it's just a "fetish" type thing, or what... I've tried talking to him numerous times about our sex life, which was amazing at the start (we were always engaging in intercourse), but for the last couple of months it's been minimum, maybe once or twice a month and it's upsetting to me, especially when he says he'd rather fap than be engaging with me. Some say it's a confidence or self esteem issue, I've read that nagging (which I don't usually) is the issue, and that leaving him to his own will "fix the problem", and it's immature of me to say I want things to go back to how they were "during the chase", but it just upsets me that he would much rather masturbate than do anything sexual with me. There have been times where he sort of demands oral stimulation, which usually I will go along with, but there have been times where he, after asking, pushes me away. Recently I've just come to the realization that if I want it, I can't have it, and if he wants it, I better just give it to him so he doesn't get upset with me.

My question other than "what can I do?" is mostly... Is this normal? Were in our early to mid twenties. I understand that this isn't how relationships are suppose to be, but I've known other people in similar situations and basically I just don't want this to be the dividing factor that ruins our relationship.

denisekastner1
denisekastner1

I have been married nearly 25 years. We have sex 4 maybe 5 times per year. Before you think this is logical since we have been together for so long forget it. It has ALWAYS been this way except when we were dating. Then it was frequent, wild and HOT. As soon as we married it all changed. I thought it was because I wasn't attractive enough or that he was still in love with his ex. I found out yesterday our lack of intimacy is because he would RATHER masturbate than make love to me. He knows he has and is hurting me deeply but nothing I say or do changes anything. How does a woman compete with a left hand? I am not demanding or perverted. In fact, I am satisfied easily. (through intercourse) Since I can't afford to leave I have distanced myself from him (he knows this) so he will not have this power over me. I was 35, 110 lbs. and some would say: beautiful, when we married in 1988. I am now 60. I have never cheated on him. I feel sad that we couldn't work out this issue and most of all that I was stupid to think he would "change." The biggest heartbreak is I have lost my youth to a man who didn't want me sexually. We are GREAT friends. I resent him so much. I should have married his better looking GAY brother: same result. I could have had almost anyone but I chose him because I loved him. I was in love with who I "thought" he was. I am still thin and a cute but I am not 35. No one else will ever want me. Zoey.

 
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