Dear Dan:

I'm madly in love with my girlfriend. She's beautiful, intelligent, progressive, and has a bum that makes me bite my knuckles every time she takes off her pants. One problem: My girlfriend is adamant that she will not get married until everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is free to marry. So where do I sign up to fight for equal marriage rights? What can a newbie like me do to help?

Adam in British Columbia

So . . . your girlfriend isn't going to get married until everyone can—including, presumably, gay men in Saudi Arabia (where they cut the heads off gay men), lesbians in Jamaica (where they lynch lesbians), and homos in Russia (where fascist thugs beat homos in front of the police). So you might not want to set a wedding date anytime before, oh, June of the year 2608.

mail@savagelove.net
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13 comments
will.ganness
will.ganness

TO the first guy  - ignore DAN. Its perfectly OK to prefer masturbation. After you've had sex with a woman several times - its natural to loose interest. You still love her. But its work. You have to find a woman that isnt insecure about this. Almost all men hide and do this. Its related to the Coolidge Effect. Our BS feminist agenda calls it Erectile Dysfunction when you cannot have sex with a woman. Its a necessary part of our biology not to want to have sex with the same woman over and over.

denisekastner1
denisekastner1

It isn't really the sex that I miss. It is the intimacy. Just as men, women can achieve their climax usually faster with masturbation. It is the feeling that I am loved, that I carve. What do you think? I have never cheated in 26 years. (my first husband cheated on me several times.) I am now considering finding companionship/sex with someone else. If my needs were met elsewhere then our marriage would be tolerable. Normally, I would be against this choice but it has been 26 years! Years ago I asked him if it would be OK for me to have a lover to meet the needs that he refused to meet. He was adamant: NO! He has watched me curled in a fetal position SOBBING over our situation but nothing changed. How much more do I "owe" him? I have already given up 26 years of my life without a regular sex life. I have caught him masturbating many times. He looks at me sheepishly but even when I suggest he "continue" with me in the bedroom, (once he did) suddenly the TV program that's on, is riveting. He usually writes or says, " I love you with all of my heart." I don't believe him. Maybe if he were more honest and wrote and said, " I love you with all of my heart; just not sexually" I could bear it. I am 61 but look and act MUCH younger. Do I wait until I am 81 without a CHANCE of finding a loving sex life? Yes, I did leave him for six months. I missed him terribly. We married in 1988 and this was in 1991. Today, I don't think I would miss him at all. At the time he acted indifferent about my leaving. Years later he told me that he was "devastated." When I replied," You certainly didn't show it" he answered that men don't show when they are hurting. Well, I am the one who is hurting and he is well aware of that. Admittedly, we had 20 years to make this right. For the last six, hateful words have been exchanged and feelings have been deeply hurt. I don't believe after all of this damage (even if he wanted to) we could have sex, together, without becoming sick. The last time we had sex was in October, just after a huge blow up where I had everything arranged to move, just short of the U Haul backing up to the front door. Then he wanted me to go to "Adult stores" and order from Adam & Eve. It lasted about 2 weeks. Now he uses the videos "WE" bought to masturbate! Brokenhearted, Zoey.


denisekastner1
denisekastner1

For woman who are also suffering the lack of affection and sex, I completely understand. (2nd marriage) He couldn't keep his hands off of me prior to marriage. The DAY we married he changed. We did not have sex on our wedding night and it continued to get less and less and less to nonexistent. I feel I wasted half of my 30's, all of my 40's and 50's, waiting for him to "change." He always had some BS excuse. The fact is: He would rather masturbate than have sex. I took my vows seriously and I have never cheated. Now, that I have lost my beauty, I wish I would have. ( I am 61) When we married I weighed 105 pounds, wore a size 5-7 and I am 5"2'. I don't want to sound as if I am bragging but I turned men's heads when I walked in to a room. I worked as a respiratory therapist at a hospital and it was general knowledge that I was "hot." Even my divorce attorney HIT ON ME! I could have married almost anyone after my divorce from my 1st husband of 16 years.

He was literally PERFECT when we met and before we married, in every way. My self esteem is non existent. I have even thought of suicide I feel so ugly and unwanted. Our therapist's ( a man) mouth dropped to the floor when I told him how I would initiate and he said," How about a rain check" or I don't want to get carpet burns on my knees. (Use your imagination.) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.. He is selfish in other ways as well. He really performed an academy winning performance for the 14 months we dated prior to marriage. He should have married his left hand.

I am not bitter that I have allowed my entire life to slip through my fingers. I am incredibly heartbroken.

envytheirgreed
envytheirgreed

Hi Dan!

I have a similar situation. My boyfriend has told me before (like many others have heard) that it's easier to masturbate than to have sex, but he has also told me numerous times that he "prefers to fap while I'm sleeping", as in the same room. Now I'm not really sure if it's just a "fetish" type thing, or what... I've tried talking to him numerous times about our sex life, which was amazing at the start (we were always engaging in intercourse), but for the last couple of months it's been minimum, maybe once or twice a month and it's upsetting to me, especially when he says he'd rather fap than be engaging with me. Some say it's a confidence or self esteem issue, I've read that nagging (which I don't usually) is the issue, and that leaving him to his own will "fix the problem", and it's immature of me to say I want things to go back to how they were "during the chase", but it just upsets me that he would much rather masturbate than do anything sexual with me. There have been times where he sort of demands oral stimulation, which usually I will go along with, but there have been times where he, after asking, pushes me away. Recently I've just come to the realization that if I want it, I can't have it, and if he wants it, I better just give it to him so he doesn't get upset with me.

My question other than "what can I do?" is mostly... Is this normal? Were in our early to mid twenties. I understand that this isn't how relationships are suppose to be, but I've known other people in similar situations and basically I just don't want this to be the dividing factor that ruins our relationship.

denisekastner1
denisekastner1

I have been married nearly 25 years. We have sex 4 maybe 5 times per year. Before you think this is logical since we have been together for so long forget it. It has ALWAYS been this way except when we were dating. Then it was frequent, wild and HOT. As soon as we married it all changed. I thought it was because I wasn't attractive enough or that he was still in love with his ex. I found out yesterday our lack of intimacy is because he would RATHER masturbate than make love to me. He knows he has and is hurting me deeply but nothing I say or do changes anything. How does a woman compete with a left hand? I am not demanding or perverted. In fact, I am satisfied easily. (through intercourse) Since I can't afford to leave I have distanced myself from him (he knows this) so he will not have this power over me. I was 35, 110 lbs. and some would say: beautiful, when we married in 1988. I am now 60. I have never cheated on him. I feel sad that we couldn't work out this issue and most of all that I was stupid to think he would "change." The biggest heartbreak is I have lost my youth to a man who didn't want me sexually. We are GREAT friends. I resent him so much. I should have married his better looking GAY brother: same result. I could have had almost anyone but I chose him because I loved him. I was in love with who I "thought" he was. I am still thin and a cute but I am not 35. No one else will ever want me. Zoey.

koolchik9
koolchik9

My situation is somewhat like yours, the only difference is my husband and I have been married for 3yrs and have 2 kids, im now 31. Don't know what I should do because it sounds so silly to say im divorcing my husband because we only have sex 5-6 times per year because he rather to masturbate. Are most marriages like this if your husband no longer finds their wives attractive? Please help......

Sori I thought my previous comment didnt load up.... :)

koolchik9
koolchik9

Hi zoey, ive only been married for 3yrs but my current situation is exactly like yours. We've got 2 little kids, so I tend to give him excuses because of children and his labour work. Im only 31 now, what should I really do? It sounds silly to say I want a divorce because my husband only have sex with me 5-6 time a year because he rather to masturbate. I didnt quite understand your story, so did u leave your husband at all? Or at what age did you separate?

YoungGunz
YoungGunz

@denisekastner1 I do not personally believe that no one will ever want you. So many of us guys, with these awkward issues that wind up on forums like this asking awkward questions, we are lonely men. We opt for functionality over romance, and fall into a daily routine of just taking care of business. In our hearts and minds, we are still coping with the reality that people are expecting something of us. The longer we push it away, that harder it becomes to come to terms with. I may not be a saint, but I try my best to be a good guy, but I have issues similar to this post and your response. I feel like this is the case far more frequently of late than any books or essays have touched on yet.

But aside from what's wrong with US, you need to focus on you. 60 is the new 35! I'm a bouncer at a bar, i see people having a damn good time at all ages, all times of night. I wish i could be like them! I'm just working there!

You need to put him away in his own special compartment, deep within your heart, mind and soul. He doesn't deserve your spite, but he has not needed your assets. Plenty of us would love a chance! In the end, it is like i've read online. He's selfish. Believe me, he knows it, he just has NO CLUE what to do about it now. I'm sure he loves you very, very much. If you love something, you gotta be able to let it go. That's the truth, because wishing Them the best is the most selfless thing you can do for someone, besides giving your life for them.

You should take a minute, and remember yourself. Remember that beautiful, young you that you miss so much, and let her come out! Live a little! Self love is the most important aspect of an individual's reality. If you don't love yourself, no one can love you, because you are not nurturing the things about you that you KNOW are loveable! Let loose a little, let your hair down. There's a special breed of man out there that just loves to see a woman have fun. I'm 23, no girlfriend, lost my last (and only) one after 2 1/2 years of awkward no-sexless-ness. I wish i could take my own advice, but I realize my own faults at the least and that's a start. 

I'll shut up now. Good luck, and ALWAYS have confidence in your ability to achieve anything you desire! It's your universe, bend it to your effing will. And blame the internet, because porn is like crack-cocaine.

PS. Ain't no fun if the homies can't have none

denisekastner1
denisekastner1

@koolchik9 I sympathize with your growing situation. Women are hard wired to believe that "men always want it." When they reject us it is devastating to our self esteem. I wish that I was 31 and not 61. I would insist on counseling. If he refuses then you go. I can't recommend that with two small children that you get a divorce. When we married my children from my 1st marriage were nearly grown. So, he didn't even have the excuse "the kids will hear." My daughter chose to live with her dad and my son was in college. I married at 18 in June right after H.S. graduation. Our son was born 14 months later. Our daughter 3 and a half years latter. So, I feel as though I have been married my entire life! Only you know what is best for you. I will add though that if I got a "do over" I would have left after a couple of years of less and less affection or sex. Internet porn has nothing to do with our situation. We were married in 1988 and my husband isn't a PC guy. He is selfish, cruel and is in love with his left hand. I hope that they live happily ever after. Let me be clear: I am no prude. I have no problem with his masturbating IF HE STILL HAD SEX WITH ME. HOPELESS.


Anonamo
Anonamo

I am 23 and my partner 29, he always tells me how beautiful i am and we get on great. Theres no chance he is cheating and we love each other very much but hes never intimate or passionate with me!

Sure he loves the cuddles a lot but never instigates it to go further and gets annoyed if i try discuss it and says it makes him more conscious of it so therefore not want it much. To make love and be intimate is a big part of a relationship but he doesnt believe so.

This is really getting me down as we are great and hes the first boyfriend i have had that actually treats me right...the only thing missing is the sex life :(

koolchik9
koolchik9

Thankyou so much for your prompt reply. I didn't expect you to follow on this since your message has been over a year ago, im so glad to hear from you :) I have only googled this topic last night, so see if there's anyone out there that's also in my shoes. I really feel for you Zoey, how were you able to endure so long? Im already frustrated when my situstion has only been over almost 2years now.

In my case pornography is my major issue, I know my husband looks at porns daily, it's always me that initiates for intimacy. His reason for not being interested is because he's too tired and watching porn is a hobby like blockbuster movies! I honestly don't know how often he uses his left hand, even though he claims to do it once a week only.

I have spoken to a few of my girlfriends, none of their husbands would say no to sex. It's my girlfriends that asks their husbands to sort it out themselves.

We've got alot of other issues in our relationship besides the sex :), I have asked him to come with me to marriage counseling, the response I got was if you have a problem you go. Now considering going to a sex counseling I think it's a no no :( I thought it would take two to solve the problem, if I was to go myself I don't see how could it help if he's not hearing the advise to change his behavior in order to save our marriage.

Thank you again for sharing your story :)

 
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