By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Dear Mexican: I recently went to a game at Dodgers Stadium. The white people cheering for the St. Louis Cardinals would clap and cheer when their team did something good. When the Dodgers did well, the Mexican fans—mostly homeboys and paisas—were yelling profanities and flipping off other people. I was compelled to go up to those Cardinals fans and say to the güeros: "I apologize for these ignorant young men, who don't know how to behave like civilized adults at a sporting event." Was I wrong to stand up and apologize for them? —Garciaparra Girl
Dear Wabette: No. It's always noble (and a bit antiquated) to ask for decency in this modern mundo, but you're waging a Sisyphean battle if you think you can reform foul-mouthed Dodgers devotees—and not because they're a bunch of Mexicans. Tune into ESPN Classic and wait for footage of "Disco Demolition Night" to air. Dig all those long-haired gabachos! If that 1979 Chicago White Sox fiasco still doesn't convince you of the innate savagery of sports fans, then buy the 2003 tome The Great Philadelphia Fan Book and marvel at how Mexican Philadelphians can act when placed before loser squads. And don't forget the followers of the Oakland Raiders, New York Giants/Mets/Jets/Yankees/Knicks . . . really, any major-league rooter except those pussies who cheer for the baseball Cardinals.
I read your column every week and notice your ongoing push for "immigration reform." What about those of us who see that our country is simply becoming too overcrowded—and too Hispanicized? At the school where I taught in Dallas, all the blacks have left and their places filled by the illegals' children—and because I don't speak Spanish, I was forced into early retirement. So do you believe we should just open up the country to anyone and everyone? Where do we draw the line? —Randy for Romo
Dear Gabacha: I only have room to address one part of your pregunta: the idea that Mexicans are irredeemably Hispanicizing the U.S. For your answer, let's turn to the chingón satirist of his time, Benjamin Franklin:
. . . Why should the Palatine Boors [Germans] be suffered to swarm into our Settlements, and by herding together establish their Language and Manners to the Exclusion of ours? Why should Pennsylvania, founded by the English, become a Colony of Aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to Germanize us instead of our Anglifying them, and will never adopt our Language or Customs, any more than they can acquire our Complexion.
Last I checked, the most German thing remaining in Pennsylvania were the Amish, and they're more American than the Phillie Phanatic. Though Mexicans are influencing the culture of America, the Republic always absorbs its idiot immigrants and becomes the richer for it—and if you don't believe me, then ask yourself why Franklin was proven such a schmendrick, or why a Mexican uses Yiddish as part of his farkakte shtick.