By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] "Ice cream is both innocent and erotic," writes Klintron on Technoccult.com. "Coffee promises to be both stimulating and relaxing." These examples illustrate the idea of "paradessence," or paradoxical essence, which was developed by Alex Shakar in his novel The Savage Girl. I suspect that you'll specialize in paradessence in the coming days, Capricorn. Will that make you feel tormented by crazy-making contradictions, or excite you with an expanding sense of complex possibilities? That will all depend on which you prefer.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] It's Wallow in Your Envy and Jealousy Week. During this holiday, you may plumb the depths of your covetous resentments in good conscience . And here's the payoff: Giving yourself this perverse pleasure should keep you relatively free from envy and jealousy for the next three months. To get yourself in the mood, read this excerpt from Dave Morrison's poem "Jealous": "I am jealous of those who do stupid things and feel no shame. I am jealous of the dead for their reduced workload, jealous of newborn babies for their clean records . . . . I am jealous of dogs who don't think about living, or dying, they just do."
PISCES [February 19–March 20] The world's oldest penises are 400 million years old. Discovered in Scotland in 2001, they're part of the fossilized remains of an arachnid species known as daddy longlegs. In reporting their find, the paleontologists marveled that the reproductive organ was two-thirds the size of the entire creature. Let's make this ancient genital a power symbol for you, Pisces. (If you prefer, you can focus on the 400-million-year-old daddy-longlegs vaginas that were also found.) I hope it inspires you to reconnect to the primal purity of your original erotic urges.
HOMEWORK Devise a plan to get back not to where you once belonged, but rather to where you must one day belong. Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.