By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] After studying your astrological omens for the upcoming weeks, I got really excited. There was so much I wanted to tell you that I popped a chunk of organic, fair-trade, cruelty-free, espresso-tinctured chocolate into my mouth and sat down to type an extravagant message. In the next moment, I accidentally swallowed the candy whole. What a waste! But I recognized this apparent bad luck as a sign of what I needed to tell you: Don't get so worked up about the oncoming pleasures that you engorge them whole without even tasting them.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] In his book In My Other Life, Paul Theroux imagines another version of himself—the "story of a life I could have lived had things been different." I think you'd benefit from carrying out a similar exercise, Taurus. Daydream about the inner potentials you've never developed, the inviting destinations you've never actually sought out, the initial interests that never grew into full-fledged relationships. Aside from being fun, this experiment could lead you to actually try out some possibilities that you maybe should have considered long ago.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Kate Knapp Johnson's poem "Meadow" begins like this: "Half the day lost, staring/at this window. I wanted to know/just one true thing/about the soul." She goes on to imply that she wasn't successful in her meditation. You, on the other hand, will enjoy a boom time if you go in quest of such insight. By next week, you could very well have discovered at least five true things about the soul. Here's one possible truth now: The soul needs nourishing stories in the same way the body needs healthy food.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] I really do feel that you're here with me as I create these horoscopes. In a sense, you're my assistant; our telepathic connection is utterly palpable and practical. The hopes and questions you project my way stream into my higher mind, coloring my psychic environment and enriching my desire to give you exactly what you need. Now, in accordance with the astrological omens, I'm asking you to give our collaboration more conscious intention. It's time for you to be aggressive about seeking help and inspiration—not just from me, but from everyone who will feed your longing to be brave and free and authentic.LEO [July 23–August 22] "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free," said the Italian Renaissance painter and sculptor Michelangelo about a statue he'd made. Let this be your guide in the coming weeks, Leo. Proceed according to the hypothesis that the beautiful thing you want to create is embedded in stuff that's hiding its true nature, and your job is simply to liberate it from what's extraneous.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] "Dear Rob 'Fat-Burner' Brezsny: I tried the Sweet and Sassy Toner video and lost only two pounds in five weeks. I tried the No More Love Handles program and actually gained weight. The only thing that really worked was your column. Reading your horoscopes has, I'm convinced, been responsible for bringing me much closer to having my dream body. You've helped me jettison a ton of psychic fat, not to mention a wad of guilt, a load of concern about what other people think of me, and a mass of remorse about the past. This is the lightest I've ever been! —Grateful Virgo." Dear Grateful: Give yourself some credit, too. It's been courageous of you to get rid of your unnecessary buffers. Celebrate your success by emptying out even more.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Barack Obama may not be the messiah, but in comparison to the person he'll replace as president of the United States next January, he's the second coming of King Arthur. Still, it's crucial to keep in mind that Obama can't magically heal all the havoc inflicted on America and the world by He Who Must Not Be Named. The resuscitation will have to be accomplished primarily by We, the People, and as much on the local level as in the federal realm. In the same way, Libra, fixing the problems that are vexing your personal sphere must be the task of the whole group, not just the boss or leader. I suggest you work on convincing everyone to take more responsibility and be more accountable. It's time to apply the principles of grassroots democracy to your own life.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] In ancient Egypt, wealthy people adorned their pet crocodiles with gold bracelets, amulets, and other jewelry. Let's use that as a metaphor in the coming week. What is the most beastly and dangerous part of your psyche, and how might you beautify it? What steps could you take to civilize or ennoble your reptilian brain? Are there any ways you could make the crocodilian aspect of yourself look less scary and more inviting?
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] It's like you've stumbled upon the Cosmic Lost and Found Office, Sagittarius. Whether or not it happened "by mistake" is irrelevant: It's an opportunity to recover good stuff that prematurely disappeared from your life. But keep in mind that your valuables may be mixed in with abandoned and forgotten junk, both yours and other people's. You might feel discouraged at the prospect of having to wade through all that meaningless dross, but don't give up: Your diligence will be amply rewarded.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Here's my first question: Are you willing to change yourself in ways that would allow you to get more of the love you long for? Here's my second question: If you are, in what precise ways would you have to change yourself in order to get more of the love you long for? Write down (or print out) your thoughts on a piece of red paper, and get to work.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] A cardinal had a confrontation with my picture window yesterday. For 45 minutes, it hammered its beak against the glass, having mistaken its own reflection for a rival that it was trying to attack. I'm offering this scene as a cautionary tale for you, Aquarius. Keep a couple of things in mind: 1) You should watch your tendency to get fixated on an image that is at best a distorted representation of the real thing and not the real thing itself. 2) If you feel the urge to fight others, you're probably mad about something in yourself.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] In the uterus of a pregnant sand tiger shark, the eggs hatch well before the mother gives birth; soon, the embryos begin a fight to the death. By the time the mother shark goes into labor, there's just one pup remaining. I suspect there's now a similar struggle going on within the metaphorical womb of your imagination, Pisces. Several pretty good brainchildren are tussling for supremacy: Which one will end up eating the others and growing into maturity? I bet we'll find out soon.
HOMEWORK If you could be any sign besides the one you actually are, which would it be, and why? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.