By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Work can be hazardous for the actors who portray cartoon and fairy-tale characters at Disney theme parks. The U.S. Health and Safety Administration reports that one-third of them have suffered on-the-job injuries. A prime cause of the mayhem: kids who kick and punch, sometimes out of misplaced exuberance and other times out of Lord of the Flies–style malice. Your assignment this week, Aries, is to summon the angelic 85 percent of your inner child to come out and play. As for the other 15 percent, the part of your inner child that might be inclined to pummel Mickey Mouse or head-butt Cinderella: Keep that rascal under wraps.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Sometimes hope is an irrelevant waste of time. Let's say that I'm really hoping that a certain disagreeable person won't answer when I call on the phone; that way I can simply leave a message on his voicemail. But it doesn't matter what I hope: The guy will either be there or not regardless. But there's another kind of hope that's invigorating and transformative. Let's say I have a hope that we humans will reverse the environmental catastrophes we're perpetrating. Let's say that my hope motivates me to live more sustainably and to inspire others to live more sustainably. Then my hope is a catalyst. Meditate on these things, Taurus: It's a perfect time to get clear on the two kinds of hope.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] The Futurist predicts that by 2025, there'll be a billion millionaires in the world. I hope you'll be one of them, Gemini. If you do end up in that fortunate position, it may well be because cosmic tendencies are in place that will allow you to ensure your prosperity well into the future; now all you have to do is understand and capitalize on those tendencies. Here's a good place to start: Spend some quality time brainstorming a 17-year plan to make yourself a millionaire.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] The world record for attaching clothespins to one's face is 153. Even if you're tempted to surpass that mark, I beg you not to. Inflicting pain on yourself in order to impress someone or prove a point is never a good idea, but it's an especially misguided notion right now. I wouldn't object, however, if you did the opposite, which is to barrage yourself with pleasure in order to impress someone or prove a point. In my astrological opinion, it's a perfect time to intensify your commitment to making yourself feel good.
LEO [July 23–August 22] I would love to see you walking down the street dressed in a feathered headdress and white boots and leopard-print cashmere pants, plus maybe some scarlet velvet gloves and a silk T-shirt that says "You don't scare me." To present yourself in such a bold and forthright manner would be in perfect alignment with your astrological omens. If that particular form of expression doesn't feel right to you, please find an equivalent that does.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Do you have access to a crane with a wrecking ball? How about a chainsaw or sledgehammer? Metaphorically speaking, you may need some heavy equipment to help with all the demolition work that's necessary right now. Among the structures that are due for destruction: a mental block you've been preserving out of perverse nostalgia; a prison cell you lock yourself inside on your off days; a half-built bridge you're no longer interested in completing; a pedestal on which your fallen idol used to stand; and a door you nailed shut in order to seal yourself off from a person with whom you have unfinished business.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] This is your best chance in a long time to meet people you've always wanted to meet. It's also a favorable time to turn pretty good connections into excellent collaborations, and to adjust your role in your web of alliances so that it's closer to where you want it to be. None of these fine developments in your social life will magically unfold on their own, however; so formulate your intentions crisply and act to manifest them aggressively.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Don't just shamble down to the pizzeria and gobble a slab of greasy cheese, tomato sauce, and dough. Instead, arrange for someone to home-deliver a pizza lovingly prepared by a gourmet chef. For that matter, Scorpio, don't tolerate mediocrity in any area of your life. The Season of the Peak Experience is here—a time when you have a sacred duty to give your best, commune with the highest, and ask for excellence.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] I don't recommend that you go on a spiritual retreat at the Zen monastery near Mount Kumgang in North Korea: As exquisite as the place is, the repressive government's secret police would probably make your trip miserable. Likewise, don't take a vacation on the gorgeous beaches of eastern Somalia: Pirates prowl the coastal areas, and anyone can buy a hand grenade for $10 at the outdoor markets in nearby Mogadishu. No, Sagittarius, while it's an excellent time to leave your familiar haunts and expose yourself to exotic scenes, you should be acutely discerning about where you go. In my opinion, you need a sanctuary that simultaneously surprises you and deepens your sense of being at home in the world.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] "You have to love life when you're in really deep trouble," said poet Robin Blaser. So what about if, on the other hand, you're in only shallow trouble? Do you have a mandate to just sort of like life a little more? Or can you, with a little work, exploit the mild disturbance that the shallow trouble provides in order to dramatically pump up your adoration of life? I hope that your actions in the coming week, Capricorn, will be a big "yes" in response to that question. I'm happy to tell you that you can wrangle a big boost from a small inconvenience.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Some bars are now charging fines to people who drunkenly puke on their floors. I advise you to stay out of such places in the coming week. Better yet, don't get so wasted that you hurl anywhere. It's one of those rare periods when every little sin will be quickly punished, when every excess will provoke an equal and opposite reaction. On the other hand, this is also a time when even minor eruptions of virtue will be immediately rewarded.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Two friends of mine, a couple engaged to be wed, rode their bicycles for days up the Northern California coast from San Francisco to Oregon. They saw many other riders pedaling from north to south during their trip, but they rarely encountered anyone heading in the same direction. Why? The wind was blowing against them the entire way. When they stopped to rest, the other bicyclists would inevitably ask. "Why are you riding against the wind?" My friends enjoyed replying: "We're building our characters so we'll be strong enough to stay in love after we're married." They're your role models for the coming weeks, Pisces. Do some against-the-wind work to prepare yourself for your next big assignment, which is to make your intimate relationships more invigorating and enduring.
HOMEWORK: I dare you to bestow three blessings you've never even dreamed of bestowing. Report the results to me at FreeWillAstrology.com.