By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
For gays in this lifetime, Baña is a monthly pool party with hot guys in Speedos traipsing around a multi-level downtown Russian sauna. The boys must have been feeling no pain last Friday, because not one of them made fun of me in my Betty Boop T-shirt and blue Target flip-flops.
On Tuesdays, Beige has been overrun with queers all summer, and among them last week was Marc Jacobs's Brazilian guy, Lorenzo Martone, wearing a sparkly diamond ring worthy of Elle Woods. Was it a wedding ring? "No, it's just a ring," Lorenzo said, blushing through his facial hair.
Speaking of animal lust, at the opening of the Museum of Sex's exhibition, The Sex Lives of Animals (a/k/a "I Kissed A Squirrel"), I learned a lot about the wild life of wildlife: that you're not allowed to touch the display of deers enjoying a three-way (I only wanted to try some light fingering); that "mounting, masturbation, and oral stimulation are common in stump-tail macaques" (that's delightful, but I so prefer the dolphins that screw each other's blowholes); and that a Dutch curator won an award for discovering a case of "homosexual necrophilia" in the mallard-duck world. The guy says he looked out his window and observed a live mallard fucking a dead one, and "after 75 minutes . . . I had seen enough!" That's my own saturation point, too. After an hour and 15 minutes of watching a dead duck get plowed, I'm really appalled and ready to move on!
Of course I'm never too appalled to eat a dead duck, which I did—along with 34 other dishes—at the James Beard Foundation's Chefs & Champagne event at the Wolffer Estate in Sagaponack. But the tastiest dish of all was an attendee who looked like a younger Jason Lewis—you know, Kim Cattrall's legally blond love interest in Sex and the City. At that point, a glamorous older woman turned up and took her place alongside him. It was Kim Cattrall! Life imitates Bushnell! An insider told me the boytoy is a 27-ish personal chef, and that's why Kim was so interested in this food event. Hmm, I bet afterwards she lay naked on a table somewhere with sushi all over her privates. What home audience wouldn't vote for that?