Advice to Madonna, Lindsay, Katie, and Meth Addicts

Stay away from clowns! Just continue to be ones yourselves. (And other Dear ABBA suggestions.)

Lindsay Lohan

Marry Samantha already! And if your mother blows a fit, remind her that at least your relationship hasn't dabbled in restraining orders, anger management, public recriminations, and Bible thumping. Yet.

Blue Blake

The so-and-sos from Gossip Girl
Andrew Eccles / The CW

The so-and-sos from Gossip Girl

I enjoyed Out of the Blue, your new memoir about your exploits as an escort and porn star (and I love that your clients included homosexualists as diverse as Divine and John Schlesinger), but darling, come on, it should have been called Blue Movies.

John McCain

Stop saying you're against gay marriage because "I think that two-parent families are best for America." Doofus, two gay parents make for a two-parent family! And two straight parents don't always end up making for a two-parent family anyway!

Katy Perry

You need to sing backup on my new song, "I Sucked a Dick (And I Liked It)."

Everyone else

Don't ever change. Let's have lunch. Your treat. But please stop scratching your butt cracks in public. It tends to hint at the crystal-meth addiction.

musto@villagevoice.com

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