By Albert Samaha
By Amanda Dingyuan
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Albert Samaha
By Tessa Stuart
By Anna Merlan
By Roy Edroso
June 29, 2009:
At the behest of the Obama administration, Congressional Democrats hold hearings on renegotiating NAFTA. When they focus on the traffic and safety issues raised by the expanded use of rickety but colorfully painted Mexican trucks on the nation's highways, Republicans respond by asserting that Obama "thinks Mexicans can't drive." Mexican-American NASCAR drivers appear before the committee to dispute this slander. George Lopez publicly switches to the Republican Party.
August 2, 2009:
To protest the "arrogant conceit" of the Obama administration, the Republican members of his cabinet resign en masse. "I never wanted the job anyway," comments Postmaster General Joe Lieberman.
December 14, 2009:
In a New Yorker exposé, Seymour Hersh reveals that President Obama has engaged international mercenaries to monitor and destabilize foreign governments. Pundits debate whether the story's headline, "Black Ops," is racist. A man claiming to be one of these so-called "Obama's Boys" starts a blog recounting his alleged secret activities in Caracas, Ashkhabad, Harare, and other world capitals. When he and the blog disappear, rumors spread that the administration has had him assassinated.
January 27, 2010:
At his State of the Union address, Obama is loudly heckled by the few remaining Republican senators, who greet specific words in his speech ("military," "health care," "hope," etc.) with different pre-arranged group responses, including hisses, kissing noises, donkey-like braying, and muffled "bullshits" and "fuck you's." Al Franken goes to the bathroom and never comes back; Senator Hillary Clinton is seen at intervals talking on her cell phone and eating trail mix. In the Republican response, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal appears with a Bible, from which he quotes extensively as soft organ music plays.
March 8, 2010:
After another failed coup, Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez announces, "Fuck it—no more oil for the gringos!" and terminates shipments to the U.S. Obama dispatches Joseph Kennedy III to talk to Chávez, who demands a public apology and a talk show on CNN. An enraged mob tears down the Citgo sign outside Fenway Park. After weeks of negotiation—between Kennedy and Chávez, and between Obama and various U.S. and British oilmen—there is another coup attempt, this time successful. Obama sends a multinational force to Caracas "to keep the peace." Conservative writers ask: "Whatever happened to national sovereignty?" Obama's poll numbers, previously in the single digits, rise significantly.
May 7, 2010:
Ancient rumors that Obama wasn't born on U.S. soil are revived when bloggers circulate grainy images of a young Luo tribesman who bears a striking resemblance to the president. Some assert that the real Barack Obama was switched with this boy by his father as some kind of multicultural experiment. Prominent right-wing citizen-journalists, funded by PayPal donations, hire Geraldo Rivera to scour Kenya for evidence.
July 7, 2010:
Drudge posts video of John McCain, not seen since his beating, giving a speech at a Phoenix Chamber of Commerce luncheon. McCain slurs his words, sings a little of the Novas' 1964 hit "The Crusher," and lurches between passages from his 2008 campaign speeches and dirty limericks. Bloggers suggest senile dementia. "Senile or not, he's a better man than President Hussein Obama," says California senator Bo Derek. Seventy percent of Gallup Poll respondents agree.
November 2, 2010:
Republicans gain control of both houses of Congress by wide margins. Led by California congressman-elect Michael Savage, they promise to impeach the president as soon as they're sworn in. At an election-night press conference, a shaken Obama promises to "listen to the voice of the people." Most TV stations cut him off to cover the victory celebration of one of the few Democratic survivors, Senator Clinton, who tells a cheering crowd that "our long national nightmare will soon be over."
November 19, 2010:
President Obama holds private talks with House Speaker Savage. Two days later, the Republicans introduce a flurry of bills, including the Welfare Prohibition Act, the Freedom From Eco-TerrorismAct, and a Proclamation of a National Day of Mourning for Terry Schiavo. Obama signs them all. Rush Limbaugh is on hand to receive a ceremonial pen.
November 21, 2010:
At the traditional presentation of the Thanksgiving turkey, Obama says he will not issue the customary presidential pardon, and will instead have the bird slaughtered and served at a White House dinner with Speaker Savage and various prominent clergy.
May 1, 2011: Large demonstrations are held in several American cities to protest the presence of U.S. troops in Iraq, Afghanistan, Venezuela, Monaco, Peru, and Zimbabwe. Republicans deplore the financial drain of the occupations. Hillary Clinton addresses an anti-war gathering in Central Park to thunderous applause: "All we are saying," she tells the crowd, "is give peace a chance." Later, she is photographed playing hacky sack with students on the Columbia quad.
July 18, 2011:
President Obama begins a four-week "working vacation" in Honolulu, where he does a lot of hiking with his family, oversees the groundwork for his presidential library, and grows a mustache. He keeps a hand in the country's affairs via BlackBerry and is visited by former president George W. Bush, with whom he is photographed laughing, smoking, and drinking out of hollowed-out pineapples.
December 7, 2011:
Upon his return from Hawaii, President Obama announces that he won't run for re-election in 2012, and begins quietly pulling troops out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Zimbabwe, and Peru. Americans preoccupied by runaway inflation and falling wages barely react to the news, and only military contractors complain.